you don’t know what you have ’til it’s gone.

 I’m 29 weeks pregnant. Holy cow.

Three year olds are much more difficult than two year olds. Gabriel has really been pushing it the last two days. Xavier is an angel in comparison with his occasional melt downs. Gabriels outright defiance is just grinding on my nerves.

I went out on Saturday night with some friends from work, and had a great time. We just hit up Chili’s, and then watched a co-workers husbands band play. They do covers on older rock music. It was at the Eagles Club, and the whole crowd was 50’s and older. But we had a blast, and it was nice to get out for a while.

Josh found out that I was "out" and all of the sudden managed to find time to blow up my phone with calls and texts. Of course, right? (I do have to say he’s attempted to contact me atleast once a day, even just to say "goodnight".) And then when he found out what I was doing, asked if I was watching Jordan’s band play. (Jordan is a friend of mine since I was 8. He is the person who stumbled across the girls myspace that Josh was cheating on me with. And now Josh seems to think that Jordan and I are doing something, when in reality, I haven’t spoken to Jordan since 5 days after he told me about Josh and the girl.) Well, that really lit my fire and I was pissed. All I could think was, "How in the HELL does he have any right to suspect that I’m doing something inappropriate, when HE is the one who cheated on me!?" 

He was asking me who I was with, when I was going home, to call him when I got home, etc. etc. I finally just said, "All of the questions you are asking me, are questions that, if I asked, I was nagging and controlling." and just turned my phone off. Josh would go out and not tell me where he was, who he was with or when he was coming home – and anytime I wanted to know, it was turned around on me as if I was a controlling spouse who kept him locked up in a damn dungeon.

I was the designated driver (obviously) and got home at 11:35pm by the time I got everyone home. His mom called me, because Josh called his mom. He was "worried" and wanted to make sure I got home alright. Pft. Bullshit. After talking to his mom (who thinks he just as full of shit as I do), I called him and proceeded to bitch him out.

And now, all of the sudden, he wants to put his foot down and make the commitment to work things out. Hah! Now he wants to. Not when I was here. Not when I was right in front of him. Not when I did his laundry, cooked his meals, packed his lunches, paid our bills. Not when I was right here, trying to work things out before he deployed. Now all of the sudden I’m good enough. Not when I forgave him immediately for all the disrespect, lies and cheating. Not when I overlooked his complete disregard for me. I wasn’t good enough when my heart and soul was working on this. And now, when I’m starting to give up, is when he decides he’s going to try.

Bullshit. I’m so angry right now. He did the same damn thing the first time we were together, back in 2003! I will not be making this easy on him. And I will not be compromising on one damn thing I want. And if he can’t give it? Oh well. Walking away. I’m not playing these cat and mouse games anymore.