September 11, 2009

sickies and other stuff…

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I have two days off.
I got maybe 2 hours of sleep, total, last night. Between Gabriel tossing & turning (nightmares?), Xavier up and down from his cold creeping up on him and my constant urinating… it was an exhausting night.
And then I worked 8 hours.
Now the boys and I have full-blown colds. Stuffy/runny noses, coughing, sore throats, headaches, etc.
My grandma is all moved into her assisted living home. I’ve been told she keeps talking about my grampa, who died nearly 7 years ago. Talking about meeting him, and him waiting for her, etc. Kind of scarey. And she doesn’t even remember her own children, anymore. This has happened so quickly.
Josh called this morning and told me that he’ll probably be able to get leave. Just as I told him before he left, he gets higher priority since he’s having a child while he’s deployed. He didn’t believe me, but apparently it rings true. He isn’t sure when he’s going to be coming home, but his leave is pretty likely, now. I don’t know how to feel about this. Part of me is trying not to get my hopes up, in case it falls through. Part of me thinks this could be really good for us. For us to see eachother again, and for him to meet Mason before he’s 9 months old. And the other part of me isn’t ready for him to come home. Because I feel like I’d have to make a decision one way or the other about what I want with him, and stick to it at that point. Part of me doesn’t want to see him because I hate him. And another part of me misses him dearly.
I have a lot of parts to me.
My throat hurts.
Oh, and my eye is still twitching. Over a week after it started. It’s my lower eyelid, right under my eye. It’s really friggen annoying.
I finally broke down and asked my brother to move out. I gave him until December. I’m tired of doing his dirty dishes, picking up his crap in the bathroom, him eating and not replacing my food, him using all my hygeine/toilettries/soaps/etc and not contributing, him not helping out with anything around the house, his constantly filthy room, etc. I feel a little bad. But, mostly relieved that I was finally able to make the decision, talk with him about it and now we can move forward. He’ll have a major wake up call when he has to go out on his own.
I wish I could make a concrete decision like that about Josh and I. Imagine what kind of relief that would bring me…
Today marks 5 more weeks of work until my maternity leave. And Monday marks 6 weeks until my due date. It’s getting cloooose.
I’m going to bed.

It does happen fast, but I need you to know it’s normal. And it hurts, but what she needs more than anything right now is for her family to continue to be RIGHT THERE with her. I have so many residents who are put into my work and forgotten, because it hurts the family too much to see them so different. In reality, they have more lucid moments than you’d realize, (c)

and even though it feels pointless and heartbreaking, they need the closeness. Her remembering her husband is actually a good thing. Embrace this time. Every day is a new day, literally. Make the most of it, but keep things familiar. Routines, routines, routines. Familiar items, your family coming in.. I’m sorry for going on and on, I just..My hear breaks when (c)

I see these families who have no idea how to react when Mom or Grandpa has no clue who they are anymore. Some get angry, some get incredibly upset. It’s a part of the disease, it is NOT their fault. Not saying you think it is. Anywho, you’re doing great and stay strong. And know that she is safe.

*hugs* it really is a fine line between love & hate. because someone you love so much has the ability to hurt you more than someone you don’t really care about. look after you. xx