[NoJoMo] Day 22 – Blah.

Josh tested and passed for Border Patrol today. When all is said and done, ideally, after his deployment he’ll be doing their 5 month training course and then we’ll be stationed in either Tuscon, AZ or El Paso, TX.

Work was busy, as usual. Two more days and I get one off. Three days on after that and then I get the weekend off.

Boys are good. Little hellions, but good.

I’m doing crappy. But not ready to talk about it. I was doing really well for a while there with this deployment… making sure I savor every moment and spend time with him in the best way possible. Now I’m finding myself full of fear, resentment and can’t even finish this sentence without welling up. I have been an uber bitch to him for the last four days, and when I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, albeit over text [because I seriously cannot handle actually talking about it right now. I will just break down entirely], he brushed it off like it wasn’t a big deal.

It’s a big deal. And him brushing me off made me feel like it didn’t matter to him how I was feeling. Or him turning things around to be about him, or making some stupid guilt trips, doesn’t help.

And I just blew up at him over something stupid and don’t know when to stop at the moment.

I seriously just want to cry.