i really am okay…
No, there’s no chance that Josh sent the flowers. Yea, they’re pretty and it’s very thoughtful – but it did make me sad that they weren’t from Josh. For one quick moment, when I heard "Taylor, there’s a delivery for you…" I had hoped they were from Josh. But, as usual, I got my hopes up for nothing. I do have an idea of who they are from, but it has made me more uncomfortable than anything. I’m really feeling like a fresh carcass that’s being attacked by vultures right now. I’m almost positive about who sent them, and another person entirely is trying to claim them… and three men have come on to me since finding out what’s going on and it’s really making me uncomfortable and makes me think men are even more of pigs than I originally thought. What am I? Just some vulnerable piece of ass? Seriously… Just leave me the hell alone.
I’ve talked to Josh a couple times since he’s left. I don’t really know where we stand right now. The only things I’m sure of are that he is very messed up emotionally. And it’s been something that he hasn’t resolved since he got back from Afghanistan in 2007. And it’s gotten much worse with this second deployment coming, and now happening. Second, is that I have to forgive him to move on for myself. I can’t hold on to anger and pain when I have so much going on right now, and unless I forgive – that’s what I’ll be doing. So, are we going to stay together? I have no idea. I don’t know anything right now. And that’s a very scarey thing for me… but, I have other things I have to focus on – and whether we’re together or not, he isn’t going to be here for the next year. And there’s nothing that will change that. So, we have nothing but time to figure it all out. I’m in no hurry to define our relationship right now, because that’s not going to change what he’s going through. He needs to sort everything out before he can decide whether or not he’s in this.
I do want to work this out. I know that I can move past the infidelity, and we can rebuild our relationship. I love Josh, unconditionally. But, my willingness to fix this is only half of what we need to repair things. If Josh isn’t in it, then it’s not going to work. And, right now, I don’t know if he’s able to make that decision whole-heartedly. Whether he’s afraid to make it? Or the fact that he has a hundred other things to worry about right now with the deployment… I don’t know. But, it’s out of my control. And, all I can do is sit back, and love him from a distance until we both come to a conclusion.
And, that’s where I’m at.
I appreciate all of your concern. I really am okay. I have a very weird peace over me right now, because I feel that this is a huge growth opportunity. And, I have no choice other than to surrender to the fact that I have no control over this situation. I have to just let it play out as it will.