heartbreak.

Wow, I got 80+ notes on my last entry. Thank you, to everyone. Obviously, I don’t have time to note each one of you back individually.

We haven’t talked in a few days. It’s been a struggle for me not to call him. I waiver between wanting to bitch him out and scream at him through the phone until my lungs give out, to begging him to wake up and realise what he’s done, and commit to making it better and making it work. I toss and turn constantly throughout the night with dreams of him.

It just kills me to know that while he’s not giving a care in the world to his family back home, he’s making plenty of time to still text/call this girl. It kills me that I trusted him to become a part of my boys’ lives, and allow them to get attached to him like a second-dad… and he can so easily destroy all of it.

The whole house is littered with all his belongings, and I’m left to clean up the mess.

The boys yell, "Josh is home!" everytime we pull into the driveway because his car is still here. Anytime I’m on the phone, "That Josh!?" comes out of their little mouths.

And the hardest part is, I still love him and I still want to be with him.  I feel like such a fool for trusting to give everything of myself to someone else, again.