annoyed.

So, I don’t feel pregnant. Only thing telling me I’m pregnant right now is my lack of period, my very high, hard and closed cervix and my positive pregnancy test. Which is a blessing because I don’t know how I’d perform my job constantly fatigued and nausiated. I keep looking back to how I felt when I was pregnant with Xavier, though. But, I also conceived him 4 months post partum with Gabe, after a c-section. So, I’m sure my body was tired. I’ve had 2 years to recover this time.

Nearly everyone knows at this point. Majority of the reactions have been positive, but a few have been negative. Like, "was this an accident?" and "isn’t this your third!?" and yada yada yada. My superviser at work is also pregnant (20 weeks along and only found out 2 weeks ago… don’t know how that happens…) and we were both standing near one of the women we work with, and she turned to Sandy (superviser) and said "Congrats!" and then to me and said, "I don’t know if it’s congrats to you since it’s your third…"  Nearly everyone I work with is anti-kids, or only has one or two. Sandy has actually openly said she does not want any kids, and I have openly said I want 2 more. But it’s all "congrats" to her, the person who didn’t want children. And all critical towards me, even though I openly have said I want more. This also came from the woman who decided she didn’t want kids. I don’t criticise people who don’t want children. Leave me the hell alone. If I take care of my kids and am not living off your tax dollars, what do you care?

Another group of people I was talking to, the conversation came up and then they started talking about the "Octuplets Mom". Someone made the comment that she was having more kids to stay on assistance, and then one of the officers turned to me and said, "That’s what you’re doing, isn’t it?" I seriously wanted to punch her square in the face. I looked at her dead in the eyes and said, "I’m not on assistance, thank you." She played it off like she was kidding, but I flat out said, "You’re lucky I don’t punch you square in the face.." and walked away.

Why is it so wrong for me to want 4 or 5 kids? It isn’t even an issue of my age at this point. It’s the fact that majority of people can’t possibly conceive of having more than 1 or 2 kids. Someone else made the comment that I want to be like the woman who has 18 kids. Yes, because 3 and 18 are such close numbers.

And another issue is people keep asking, "So, are you hoping for a girl?" No. I’m hoping for a healthy baby. Gender is irrelevant. Honestly, I’d prefer to have a boy. Only because I know Josh is wanting a boy first. But to be even more honest? I picture this baby as a girl. But I’m hesitant to even tell anyone that because I don’t want them to think that is my preference. Because it’s not. It’s my intuition. My preference is not gender specific. But it is swayed because I know what Josh would prefer to have right now. I’d be thrilled the dress a baby in pink and purple frilly dresses with bows on her head. And I’d be thrilled to add another mama’s boy to our little family.

And, only reason Josh wants a boy is because he’s worried about putting a little girl through hell when she gets older. LOL He says she cannot wear makeup until she’s 15, and the first time she dates he’ll have an arsenal of weapons sitting on the coffee table for the boy to see.

Josh really surprised me with his reaction. He wanted children, just not right now. Not for a few more years. And I agreed. I would have liked to wait for the boys to be in school. Even though I’ve had crazy baby fever, but I doubt that will ever go away for me. But, he’s excited about it. We’ve talked about some major issues. He was concerned about my homebirth, but is going along with it because he knows how important it is. And there were a few other big decisions we had to compromise on, but we have.

His only request has been to get a 3D ultrasound before he deploys, so we can find out the gender together. So I’ve been looking around for 3D ultrasound places and I should be between week 16 and 18 before he leaves, so we should be able to tell gender at that point with 3D.

I’m going to go take a nap.