11/01/2009

Josh’s mom finally left this afternoon. I really appreciated her help, but I’m very much a private person. I like my personal time and she was just always up my ass bugging me about needing this or that or if she could do anything. I know that sounds horrible. But I don’t mean it that way. I just didn’t need her anymore at this point and really needed some "me" time to unwind and unravel from the whole experience. Time to reflect and just regroup. And time to grieve the fact that Josh isn’t here.

Physically I’m feeling pretty good. I don’t feel so much like I got ran over by a truck. I didn’t tear down there and I really wasn’t even sore down there, either. But my whole upper body was very much in pain. I had planned on birthing in the tub, but after pushing for quite some time in there, I wasn’t able to get into a good position to get him out. So I ended up moving to the bed to get into a better position, and was on my side holding on of my legs up. So both of my arms, my shoulders and my upper back was really strained and boy was I feeling it yesterday. It’s a little better today.

I forgot how much newborns sleep. And sleep. And sleep, sleep, sleep.

Josh was able to get half the day off yesterday and the internet was working long enough to have a nice webcam chat. He got to "meet" his little man and he sure is proud. He also got his dates for leave. He won’t be getting it until March.  I think we’ll be somewhere around 8 months into the deployment before he gets to come home. Part of me wonders what’s even the point? Atleast everything will be downhill when he goes back, but still… seems pretty pointless to me.

I did get two letters from him in the mail yesterday. I was surprised, and very relieved. Surprised because I didn’t think he’d actually write me letters. I have learned throughout this process to have absolutely no expectations. And relieved because both letters said things that I really needed to read right now. I’m trying so hard not to think, "Well, he could easily be just telling me what I want to hear…". That thought has crossed my mind several times, I won’t lie. But I really need to let go and trust what he tells me, otherwise nothing is going to get better.

I forgot how thirsty you are when nursing. And how ravenous you can be instantaneously.
And I never thought I’d say this… but I think I’m done with babies. If things work out with Josh & I, and he wants another biological child, I’d be easily convinced. But if he’s okay with what we have, then I am, too.
Besides, my babies just keep getting bigger. 8lbs 1oz, then 8lbs 8oz and now a 9lber. I’d rather not shoot for a 9.5lber. lol