10/16/2009
Picked up George last night.
We got the boys all packed up and ready to go this evening. I’m going to enjoy the break for the first week or so, but then I’m going to be missing them like crazy. They leave tomorrow and I won’t have them back until January. I’m worried about how George and his family are going to handle them for the nearly 12 weeks. I’m worried about George taking them through the airport and on an airplane by himself. I’m going to miss them like crazy and I just want to cry. =(
Tomorrow is my last day of work. I’m thrilled.
I chopped off a lot of my hair today. I’m not so sure I like it. The lady didn’t do that great of a job. Maybe when I style it the way I want it I’ll feel differently. We’ll see. Atleast I can still pull it back into a pony tail. (It’s a little shorter than in my pic to the left. It was midway down my back…)
I talked to Josh a few times today. I hadn’t heard from him since Sunday. He called my work line this morning because I didn’t have my cell phone on me, and he was worried. When my superviser came in and told me I had a call, I was shocked. I answered and the first thing he said was, "I’m sorry to call you at work, but I tried your cell a few times and haven’t heard back. I just want to make sure you’re okay and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to call for a few days…." The tone in his voice was so sweet and sincere. Sincere being the most important, because I haven’t heard that from him in a long time. Usually it sounds so forced and fake.
I mailed him the notebook that I had been writing in from May up until I sent it, last week. Originally, the notebook was a way for me to write to him when he was gone for training during pre-deployment and during the transition until I got his mailing address, so he knew that during that time I was still thinking about him although we would have little communication. However, with all of the events that took place in those 4 months, it turned into one of my only outlets and contained the majority of my deep, inner thoughts. All of the rollercoasters of emotions. The whole notebook was written as if I was directly talking to him and there was no censoring. I didn’t hold back at all.
I went back and forth between sending it. At one point, the notebook felt like my lifeline. But I gradually started to write in it less, and as things got better between him and I, I started to think that letting him read things from my perspective would give him a realistic view on what his actions have done to me. I felt like no matter how I explained it to him in words, he wasn’t grasping the reality of how much he’s torn me apart. How it wasn’t just the affair that had me torn to pieces. It was the whole picture, the entire 9 months leading up to my finding out he cheated on me. And if I wasn’t communicating well what I needed from him, he would definetly get it from the notebook. It was a standard sized notebook, and only 3/4 of the way full. When he called me this morning he mentioned that he had already read the "entire novel" that I wrote. I asked him what he thought about it, and he said he said he’s glad that he read it. And it made him realise a lot of things that he hadn’t seen.
His whole tone during the couple conversations we had today was different. In a good way. It was sincere, and caring. Everything he said to me, I believed. There was no sarcastic undertones in his words. And I truley see how hard he is trying. Part of me is so relieved to have that back from him. The other part of me doesn’t want to let go of my anger and resentment out of fear. The part of me that is relieved just wants to forget everything that happened. The other part of me can’t let it go, out of fear that if I let it go too soon, it’ll happen again.
He also expressed quite a bit of excitement about Mason’s arrival. He said he bought a box of cigars that says "Congrats, it’s a boy!" on the cigars. Told me I better let him know as soon as he arrives so him and his buddies can break them out. Hearing him talk about that, and get excited about what I had to tell him was a big relief. I haven’t felt like he’s been very thrilled throughout the entire pregnancy. I know I wrote about it a few times in my notebook.
When I got off the phone with him for the last time this evening, I was left with a sense of relief. I really see progress being made in our relationship. But it left me missing him, a lot. I think a lot of the reason it’s been so easy for me to hold on to anger and resentment is because it stops me from feeling the pains of missing him. He asked me a couple times if I was okay, and if I was sure I was okay. I finally told him that I just miss talking to him. He tried his best to make me feel better, and it just made me miss him more.
I better head to bed. One last day to get through. And then I’ll be coming home to an empty house. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be filled with mixed emotions for me.