10/11/2009

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I’m still feeling pretty darn irritable. I suppose it doesn’t help that I keep forgetting to eat. And by the time I remember, my blood sugar is so low that I’m getting nausiated, can’t focus or think straight. I don’t know if I’ve been really that bad about eating, or if I’m having an abnormally hard time at keeping my blood sugar up. I think it’s more likely that I forget to eat, or am not eating enough compared to the amount I’m burning.
Physically, I don’t feel 38 weeks pregnant. I’m, like, 2 weeks away from having a baby. Other than being downright tired, I’m still doing a ton. I can’t believe how sedentary I was when I was a SAHM. Being as active as I have been this time has made for a much easier pregnancy, physically. With Gabriel I remember feeling like a beached whale and just miserable. With Xavier it wasn’t so bad because I was a bit busier chasing Gabriel around. But now? I don’t even waddle. LOL
Josh has called three times today, and we’ve talked for atleast an hour each time. All three conversations went well. In the last one, though, I said something pretty snarky when I really should’ve bit my tongue. It really wasn’t even warranted. Just me being angry and resentful.
I’m trying really hard not to get my hopes up, but he said he was offered a slot for a November leave. He said he told whoeever offered it to him that he’d like it, but that I had plans to be in AZ. Uhm. I told him he better go back and tell the guy that he wants it because I can most definetly change my AZ plans. Yea, it’ll probably cost a little to change my plane tickets – but I have December off, too. I can always cut my AZ trip short or go after he leaves if his leave interferes too much. I’m glad he was thinking about me and my plans, but he should know it’s a much higher priority for him to meet his baby! Silly men. I really hope he gets it.
… And at the same time I’m nervous to see him again. I don’t know how to act. Do I pretend like everything is fine? Is that what I’m doing if I get excited about him coming home? If I run up to him and hug him as soon as I see him? Should I be holding anger and resentment towards him? I don’t want him to think that what he did was okay by me just going back to the way things were, as if he didn’t break my heart into a million little pieces. But I know that holding on to my anger and resentment isn’t going to give room for healing. And healing needs to happen when he comes home.
I’m probably overthinking this.
I’m doing some basic cleaning today. I’m going to save the deep cleaning for after the boys leave next Saturday. I’ll need something to do while I’m waiting for Mason to decide he’s ready to come out.
I have a feeling the 24th will be the day. I thought Xavier would be here on January 31st, but I ended up going into labor that day and having him on the 1st.

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