08/30/2009

I’m feeling a little better this morning. I wrote up an e-mail to Josh telling him that I didn’t know if I could be in a relationship with him right now. Basically, that I couldn’t trust anything he told me and that it was eating me from the inside out. And I needed to clear myself from un-needed stress, because I had enough on my plate at home. I also mentioned the car accident and that we were all okay. I contemplated sending it, but then erased all the parts about our relationship and kept it only about the car accident, and sent that instead.

I’m pretty glad I did, because it turned out that he was able to read the email about 2 hours after I sent it and I got a phone call from whereeverheis at 10:30pm to make sure we were really doing alright. I was lying in bed and about ready to pass out when I saw "restricted" pop up on my phone. I really wasn’t expecting a phone call for several days since it usually takes a few travel days to get from here to where they need to be over there. We didn’t talk for very long, but it was a nice conversation and we need more of those. I’m emotionally spent on serious conversations with him.

I really think this is just going to be a long, drawn out process to getting back to where we need to be. And maybe this is the best… hopefully him being away from his family life will make him realise how much he cares about us and he’ll straighten his act out. I’m still skeptical about whether or not he can do the work needed to change things, but only time will tell. Afterall, he’s going to be gone a year no matter what happens between us. I might as well wait it out. Hopefully it’ll be worth it in the end. And if it’s not? Well, I can walk away with a clean break.

On a totally different topic, I have to decide whether or not I’m okay with George having the boys from mid-October until after Christmas.  In our seperation agreement, it states that we alternate holidays. One year with me, one year with him. Well, I’ve had the boys for the last two Christmas’s. He was going to take them so I’d have some recovery time after I have the baby. So, it’s either I forfeit my recovery time with the baby (and vacation to Glendale, AZ. Because my mom is flying me out there after I have the baby to visit.) and they just go up there later, or I let him take them from mid-October until after Christmas. My only problem with that is it’s a long friggen time! But, I don’t really have the right to be selfish about it because he has had to go that amount of time without seeing them, y’know? And I have absolutely no concerns about whether or not they are well taken care of when they are with him and his family, because if anything, they get a little too spoiled while they’re up there. And I really don’t want to keep them from that part of their family. But it’s a long time without my babies.  I think I’ll end up being okay with it. I really don’t have a place to hold them back just because I will miss them. George has every right to spend time with them when he’s able to, and I do need to abide by our seperation agreement. It just sucks.