08/14/2009
George drove down to visit with the boys on Wednesday evening. It’s been a very nice break, and much needed. He’s pretty much dealt with everything having to do with the boys since then and I really needed the help. I am tired, worn out and just…. tired. Physically. Mentally. And emotionally.
Right now they are outside with the neighbor boys playing with water balloons. 
I think I say this everytime George comes down to visit with the boys, but I’m so glad our relationship is the way it is now. We get along very well, and are pretty good friends. People are always shocked that he stays here when he comes down, and we go out together shopping, or to dinner, or activities with the kids. We’re co-parents, and nothing more – and it’s nice that we can set aside all our problems for the kids.
I have one more day of work and then I took four off. For no other reason than to try to get some rest. I usually have Sundays and Mondays off. But I took Tuesday and Wednesday off as well. The boys will still be going to daycare and I’ll just have time to kick back and relax. I hope that on top of them spending these few days with George will rejuvenate me a bit.
Work is so insane right now. Pending lawsuits for euthanasias on owned dogs that weren’t supposed to happen. All three of the dogs being euthanised by me. However, it was not my mistake. It was the fault of the receptionists who didn’t update the dogs profiles to show their new "due out" dates, or any communication with their owners. So all the uppers are on edge about that, and everything is being changed and made more difficult for us – but it’s not our mistake. It’s the receptionists (and in one case, the deputy director!). It’s Summer so it’s crazy busy, anyways. I’m nearly 30 weeks pregnant so things are getting more difficult everyday, it seems. The director is on my back making sure I’m still able to perform my duties. If I can’t, they can force me to take maternity leave early. Apparently I’m the first pregnant technician who’s made it this far into her pregnancy while still working. -shrugs-
I’ve been talking to Josh a little more. It seems like he’s really sincere about everything, however I’m having a hard time moving forward now. I’m scared, and angry, and resentful. And mostly just scared that if I let my guard down, and start putting my all into this again (because I’m an all or nothing kinda gal) I’m just going to fall flat on my face again. And I don’t want that. I’m worried that I’m just his second choice, or his fall back. I’m worried that he just doesn’t want to be alone during his deployment. He has told me that he knows he fucked up, and that he can’t believe the person he became. He’s told me so much more than I ever expected to hear from him. And he’s opened up to me, a lot. And has taken several verbal lashings from me without so much as one smart remark in return. But, I don’t know. I guess, if anything, it’ll just take time. Which we have plenty of. It’s almost nice that there is not any pressure. Because no matter what happens, he’s going to be gone until next July anyhow.
It’s only 7:16pm but I think I’m going to bed.