Realization

As always, I have my ups and downs. Lately I’ve had more downs than ups, but I think I realized something tonight. I’ve always been a pack rat and my room has always been cluttered. Even my desk at work is kind of cluttered. I refer to myself as messy organized. It might look like a mess, but I know where things are. If someone asked for a paperclip or to borrow a specific book or clothing etc. I know where to find it most of the time. I always make it a goal to be more organized or to attempt to be, but it never seems to happen or at least not last long. I’ve been kind of emotional lately and as I was responding to a Facebook post, I started to think  that maybe the physical mess around me also represents the metaphorical mess and chaos in my head. I’ve always been a thinker in the sense that I think about a lot of things and have a lot of random thoughts in my head at one time. It’s hard for me at times to even figure out what I’m trying to say or do. I’ve also always had depression, but whenever I tried to talk about it to people (like family and friends), I just got told I was being too sensitive, over exaggerating things, just trying to get attention or people to feel sorry for me, etc. So I started to just keep things to myself and hold it all in. I used to cut or just take pills so I wouldn’t have to feel anything. Now, I just cry in my room alone when no one is around and contemplate starting to cut again or overdose on pill (don’t worry, I never do, I just think about it I guess). But, because I don’t talk to anyone about how I’m really doing or feeling, my head just has all these thoughts and feelings and half the time it’s an jumbled mess. Unlike with finding something among the mess that is my room or desk, I can’t seem to find things in my head as easily. Like, I can’t organize or figure out what I want to say. I mess up a lot when trying to explain anything. Sometimes words just come out wrong. I’ll even write things down wrong because I can’t seem to get my thoughts straight (ex: grocery list for meal planning or things I want my daughter to accomplish for the day). I often do feel like my mind is just a big jumbled mess. I can’t even always figure out my own feelings.