Just One Of Those Days

It’s just been one of those days where it started off bad and then got worse. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did. I don’t know why, but it seems like I’ve been having a lot of those lately. Towards the end of my day things got a little better, but then they just got worse again. I don’t really want to talk about what all went wrong and why my day was crappy, but I’m writing moreso, so I can vent some and get my feelings out I guess. It seems I do that a lot on here. If anyone here knew me in real life, they’d know me as a happy and always has a smile on her face type of person. Happiness is just the mask I choose to wear. I don’t like bugging my family or the few friends that I have with all of my problems. I’ve been depressed before and the venting drove most of my friends away. I don’t want to do that again. Also I just figured the people in my life right now have better things to do than listen to all of my problems. I don’t even know if I really have any true friends. I always think I do, but then something happens and I find that they really weren’t my friend. I’m so tired of getting hurt. Recently I’ve built this solid concrete wall around myself and I won’t let anyone new come in. That could be a problem, but I guess it’s like one of my defense mechanisms that I have going on. I guess I’m just really tired of meeting someone and thinking they’re a great person just to end up having them screw me over. Not only did I stop letting people in, I also started to cut myself some again. Bad, I know, but it’s a relief to me and as ironic as it sounds, it helps me to live. Well it keeps me from doing stupider things although it’s still pretty stupid. I just can’t help it. It’s my pain reliever and my escape. I wish things were different, but they aren’t.