Feeling Down

Just one of those times where I’m feeling down and depressed again. I feel like I can’t do anything right and just mess everything up. I don’t know why I was I ever born. I hate my life but I know that it could be a lot worse, so then I feel shitty because I have more than a lot of others. I’m lucky compared to 75% of the world, so I feel like I’m a crappy person because I  hate my life and feel bad for myself when I should be grateful. It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I do have, but everytime I get to a good place where I’m happy and content with life, something happens to screw that feeling up for me. I guess I’m a hypocrite because I tell others to not focus on their weaknesses or things they struggle with. They can always get better at the things they struggle with and they have so many things they do well. Yet here I am focusing on all the negative about myself and my life. And I find it a bit ironic that of all the Years I’ve had to watch suicide prevention videos and antibullying for work, none of my coworkers realize that most of the time I wish I were dead. I’ve contemplated suicide and self harm, but knowing that would completely devastate my daughter, I don’t. Her, my mom, and my cat are probably the only 3 that care about me. Well, and the one friend that I do have, but sometimes I feel like I get on her nerves too. She has many friends and is very social whereas I only have her. It seems like to everyone else I just get in their way or I screw things up.  Or they just don’t like me for whatever reasons. I try to act happy because when I was younger people hated me for being a downer. I try to be friendly and a good listener if someone needs to talk. I try to be easygoing and etc. But like all of the guys in my life that never really cared about me and were just using me, I suck at making friends. I’ve never been one to have many if any friends at all. I have two jobs and I dont even have work friends. People will hang out with others outside of work and want to do things, but I’m never included in any of that. I feel like such a loner and invisible except for when people are getting mad at me, blaming me for things, or trying to get me fired.