Depressed
Just one of those nights (I guess technically morning now) where I’m feeling down and depressed. I don’t know what my purpose in life is or why I was ever born. I’ve always been made fun of and bullied. I’ve always been used by people and never had any true friends or relationships. I guess I was never good enough for anyone. I’m just a person of convenience and to be used. I don’t really have any talents. I can type pretty fast, but that’s about it. I’m not athletic, artistic, or creative. I can’t sing or dance well. I really struggled to learn to play the clarinet and piano and I still sucked at both no matter how much I practiced. I like cooking but even when following the recipe I still manage to screw up somehow. I did finish college and have a career, but I feel like I suck at that as well. Others get recognition or awards. They also get gratitude and people thanking them or telling them how great they are. I don’t get any of that. In fact, I usually get a list of things I’m doing wrong and need to improve on. I even got told by a boss once that I sucked at my job and that I could quit or be fired. But, he didn’t like me from the get go for some reason and lied on my evaluation. The job I have now I feel might have been out of desperation. A coworker had told me that not many people applied and it had been offered to someone that turned it down. I’m almost middle aged and living with my parents still (technically again, I guess) because I can’t support myself and my daughter on my own. Speaking of which, I also feel like I’m a crappy mom. And, I feel guilty anytime my daughter asks about her “dad” because I don’t know how to tell her that he wanted me to abort or give up for adoption, and then moved away when I didn’t. He was also one to pretend to like me but never wanted to go anywhere and just used me. He also said he didn’t like labels such as boyfriend/girlfriend but then he met someone else, got into a relationship with her, and last I knew they were married with kids. My daughter also doesn’t really talk to me, but she’ll talk to my mom or her teacher last year. I have to get told things by other people about my own child because she won’t tell me herself. I just feel like I suck at everything and I can’t do anything right. I just want to be good at something and I want to matter to someone.
I like this place and will pay to stay so if you’ll be around we can be internet friends because I can relate to you in a lot of ways. Kindred spirits.
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Fellow depression-sufferer here, so I can relate, and I’m also older and retired. You probably need professional counseling to combat a lifetime of disappointments that seem to be a recurrent theme in your story. This is not a put-down. Unfortunately, counseling is expensive and takes time. I would recommend you get your GP to prescribe an anti-depressant. I’ve been on them myself. It will give you some relief. In my case, it got me out of bed in the mornings so I could function.
I’m pretty sure there we have no purpose in life in the literal sense. We are born and we die. We’re not here to fulfill some grand plan, so there is no reason to worry about whether you are succeeding or failing “at life.” You have a daughter, you have a job, you finished college, you have a roof over your head, but I get it, you want to feel and be recognized for your contributions.
I’m a believer in “fake it till you make it.” It’s scary, but if someone says something to demean you, simply answer with “why would you say that to me, that’s rude” and walk off. It’s a verbal way of standing up to bullies. In other words, don’t let people walk on you. In dealing with bosses, ask them directly what they want and try to deliver it. Be sure to write down what was said and the date it was said so you can show your accomplishments. Re-invent yourself, but bear in mind, people are going to push back on any change you attempt; it takes persistence.
I don’t know how old your daughter is, but would telling her that her father was a bum enhance her life in any way or make her feel good? The answer, of course, is no. Just tell her it didn’t work out between you and it had nothing to do with her. That she confides in other people is normal behavior and no reflection on how she thinks about you. I ran a youth theatre once and the girls would tell me stuff that they weren’t comfortable talking about with their own parents. In the end, I’m sure you matter to her.
Life is hard. I’ve had to reinvent myself several times. I, too, did not have a “straight forward” life; it took many twists and turns. Find something you like to do and do it for yourself, a hobby or whatever. Take care of yourself first and forget about what other people think.
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*hugs* You are good at something. We all are. 🙂
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