September 6, 2013

When YOU come around

Now that I have to see my ex-boyfriend again everyday in class, it is quite hard trying not to notice him or hear him talk. I feel dumb, and when he hurt me I let him walk over me totally and that’s the reason I feel so. Everyone that I talked to about this, told me from in the beginning that I was being way too good on him. That I had to make him feel like a piece of shit too because that’s what he did to me, unfairly. But I just couldn’t/wouldn’t say what was on my mind because my heart thought something different. It might have to do with that I am more a heartlistener than a mindlistener. Though I do regret I didn’t tell him how he made feel and that he had no right to talk to me like that. I couldn’t make him respect me because I still loved him too much. The weird thing is, it’s not like he shows his abjection. He can come off as this funny sweet guy, but if he wants to he can say really mean things as well that I would never think off to say. He’s just a gigantic douchebag with a lot of crafty tricks yet I’m still struggling with not falling for them. I guess that shows how much I loved him. It’s too bad that he changed that much. And through the last few days I came to conclude by my surroundings that I need to stick up for myself, even if that means he’ll be mad, or we’d be in a fight because he didn’t expect the reaction or something. I have to learn to choose for myself instead for him. He needs to be put on his place, that’s the only way for him to realize how big of a douchebag he is and that he HAD no right to say those things. Now it’s a little bit more complicated than that, by the fact he’s in the same class and the same group of friends. But that shouldn’t matter because sticking up is more important now. This entry does make him look like he’s pure evil, but he can be sincerely lovely too. That’s what makes it difficult. What I’m writing about him is very confusing, because he is confusing. And everyone can see that he’s struggling with hisself. And he tries hiding that by being a scumbag. And when we were together, that scumbagside wasn’t there (I guess love does make you blind) and that’s why I loved him so much. He was the sweetest guy. But right now, he’s only playing with me, he keeps on talking to me and starts flirting, but the next thing he is being mean. This is what I mean with confusing, and it makes me confused as well and I give him the power to control my feelings. So I turned my chat off for him on Facebook. Thinking he wouldn’t bother me anymore, then he started texting. It was already late so I cut him off. Basically, it’s like he can say mean stuff easier when he doesn’t see me. Because at school, we talk normally (not a lot). And I catch him sometimes looking at me in class. I really don’t know what he feels, but it makes me confused and even more eager to let him behind. And so, the next time he’s being rude I WILL put him on his place and show him who HAS the right to make someone feel bad. They say you can’t fight fire with fire, but when you let it come this far, you almost don’t have another option.

Ashes to Ashes

September 7, 2013

Sticking up for yourself is very important; if you don’t, nobody will ever respect you. I know it’s not easy though, especially when you really care about someone.

You are still so remarkably soft-spoken, and genuine. And you just need to rehearse how important it is to separate the two elements which are: A – the actual him (from) B – that which is your (earlier) investment IN him. That way, you can allow his own actions (now and in the future) define the first one while you always regard highly

… the effort which you made with him… while continuing to walk proudly because you are the sort of woman who could make such an effort at loving. He (the douchebag) may not be worth a second thought as you know {his actions} of today, but you need to walk proudly for having been able to make yourself vulnerable when trusting a guy

… in the same way which will serve you so very well in the future. The people who are most sad in the romantic world these days, are those rendered no longer able to show their vulnerability to a prospective partner. But you still have that ability – he didn’t take that from you… so be proud of yourself!!!!… and then march forward and do it all again!

(I’m still here babbling): Having refreshed my understanding, from old notes and entries, I want to suggest (again/more-clearly) that when the rest of the world views you and your classmates, you are very likely among the most sought-after and admired people… BUT you no doubt have (results) of your mother’s alcoholism coursing around in your human wiring…

… and it is largely because of that (growing up in the environs of an alcoholic) which causes a young girl to compound all of the stuff she has to learn ‘normally’ with trying to reconcile/(understand)/recognize the IMPACT OF the inconsistent nature of the woman who is guiding her through most of that learning. So it does a big number on your confidence…

… And EVEN IF you get it ‘right’ in your mind… you are faced with the challenge/illogic of having to sit there and CONCEIVE of the idea that many life understandings have been handed to you incorrectly (as if they still needed translation)… because you can’t fathom THAT sort of a message being anymore clear than were your mother’s blurred lessons/messages.

… so what IF YOU are very normal, but you can’t recognize that, because every message you’ve ever gotten has needed to be translated… and you couldn’t fathom this message/(life lesson) coming through without the need for translation (since all other messages over time have had to be translated). Maybe you can’t even recognize your friends having “normal” lives?