Tangled

 I’m struggling at my love path. I am always doubting, always overthinking, always confused. If you are really in love, you wouldn’t doubt it, would you? If it’s meant to be, it will happen, won’t it? Is it because I am not ready for a serious relationship yet? Or because I got so hurt last time that I am afraid to try again? I think both of these two last questions are negative, I am ready for a serious relationship, and I am willing to try again, but I want it to be the right person, and that is what I am always doubting. I want to think: yes, that is someone that could be the one. And I don’t want to force anything. I let it come, because I believe that it will come if it’s supposed to. It’s not like I close off every contact with male friends, not at all. I have quite some male friends and if one day I will start getting sincere feelings for one, I will let it happen, and not force it. That is how I do it. But I doubt my own plan. It’s just that you get so fooled by social network sites, people posting photos of their boy/girlfriend and themselves and it looks so perfect. And I start thinking: am I supposed to have a boyfriend too? Everyone has a boyfriend. And then there’s this social pressure of people asking you: "So, when are you going to get yourself a boyfriend?". Most of them wouldn’t last 2 or even 1 year. And it’s not what I want. I don’t want to jump into a relationship thinking, I MIGHT have feelings for him, but I’m not sure. I want to feel butterflies, and I want to feel attracted to him, physically and mentally. Like I did in my previous relationship. I don’t want the relationship to be perfect, I just want it to be the right person. On the other hand, if you never try, you never know. But I am absolutely not the person who goes forcing things, and in my eyes that is forcing it. But, forcing things and fighting for love is something very different. And I AM a fighter, not someone forcing everything. I will know when I am truly in love, and when I am, I will fight. And if I am not, that means I haven’t found the person yet. "What am I even babbling" I sometimes think, because I am still so young when you think about it. Maybe I should stop thinking about it so much, and just go on with what I am doing and enjoy it. I believe that the love of your life will be waiting for you when you start doing the things you love, or in other words be content with your life and enjoying it. I am doing that, and for some time I didn’t focus on finding someone. And no, I don’t expect to find someone the moment I enjoy my life and stop worrying. But mostly love comes when you least expect it. And for my own good I do know that I maybe should stop thinking about it in this way now. I have to trust myself in finding someone one day and it being able to work out.