Melodramatical

I’m upset and I want to cry and write out everything and I want to be consoled and be told that everything will be okay even though I probably wouldn’t believe it at the moment. It’s just that things can get so hard, school-life, familylife, friendslife, lovelife, struggling with yourself and then all those things you want to do but have so little time for it and those little parts stack to one big problem and then it gets so big you can’t help but break down. School is just so much right now, and being the perfectionist I am it’s quite discouraging getting a test back you failed on HARD. I am trying really hard balancing my social life (I need much social contact) and my study time but it still doesn’t always work. Then you have my family, that has become quite fucked up the last few days. My mom doesn’t talk to her mother anymore (my grandmother) because she is crazy and she has done a lot of things that went too far and my sensitivity can’t handle that. I simply hate fights, I myself never go to bed being in a fight with someone. I am planning on visiting my grandparents one of these days though, my mom doesn’t mind, but it’s just the fights that get me so down. And then you have my mom herself. I can see it when she is getting weaker and weaker and getting bad at handling things. Though she keeps it bottled up inside most of the time, I see how she feels and when bad things are going to happen. I try and talk to her but seeing her sad when I’m already under stress, it breaks my heart. She’s such a warm and good person and everyone talks to her about their problems, while she doesn’t have anyone to talk to. (she thinks, I always tell her we are there for her too, but she says it’s not good to tell your own children everything that’s bothering you) I know how horrible it feels to feel lonely and I don’t want her to. Then you have my friends, I don’t have that much real ‘girl’ friends. Well, just the average actually: 3. Two really good ones and one that I recently got to know but also like. But at school I mostly sit with the guys, and with my friends. I don’t know I like being with guys because they’re much funnier and less boring than girls. At our school, a lot of girls just sit on a bench and talk about serious things, but I do that enough when I am on my own so I refuse to do that at school. I really love some of my guyfriends, they can always make me smile and actually care about me. But sometimes I don’t know, I start doubting and I get lost in knowing who my real friends even are anymore and it’s all part of it ofcourse it’s just so confusing. I’d really say that a synonym for puberty is confusing. Then you have that douchebag, yes I’m talking about him again. But only to tell that I am going to ignore him as much as I can. ALL he does is playing games, even when it doesn’t seem like it at first sight. Everything is part of his games and I don’t want to be part of that anymore. I want him to know that I won’t stay forever, that I’ve left a long time ago. It’s time for him to realize it. Though I can’t deny I am having struggles not falling for those eyes again. It’s really, really hard. And it’s like everything I say about it is a cliché used by so many people and I wish to put it in a more special way but I can’t find the words for my love and heart ache. Then there is the struggle with myself, obviously. I know billions of others are dealing with the same, yet it is so damn hard. I drive myself crazy. And then you have all those things I want to do like learning to make my own clothes, search for a holidayjob and earn my own money, practising my piano plays, and even something stupid like order a T-shirt I really want on the internet. I can write a bible of my thoughts on OpenDiary, but I can’t do that. Ridiculous isn’t it? The only solution to that ofcourse is, to simply do it. I  am going to make a deadline now: I want that T-shirt ordered at last on Sunday. It’s a start let’s put it that way.

Puberty, it can be heaven and a lot of hell.