Fall down seven times, stand up eight

For a period, I was afraid of writing too open and honest. It might have to do with that I’m shy, even though it’s the internet and not real life. I think I get afraid that people think I’m crazy or have these wrong ideas of me. But it isn’t called Open Diary for nothing, this is where you’re supposed to dig deep and let out what you have to let out and just in general write out your feelings and thoughts. That’s what I think it is anyway. So, I’m going to break my period of anxiety for writing what I truly have to say and let out. My life right now is actually all about accepting my break up and moving on. I shoudn’t say that out loud because my life isn’t supposed to only be about trying my hardest to forget about the boy I was in love with, but that’s the reality and I can’t change my feelings and thoughts, how much I’d like to sometimes. But I notice that I’m doing better and better each day. Sometimes I also have periods where I can’t help but feel bad and want the past all back. But I try to get over those bad periods as quickly as possible and then I move along again. They say: "In order to move on, you must know why you felt the way you did, and why you no longer need to feel that way." Well I know why I felt the way I did, I was in love with that boy because I loved everything about him; his personality, his outside. His bad sides and his good sides. And how I could totally be myself when I was with him. And why do I no longer need it? Because he isn’t in love with me anymore and he’s not the same person anymore and he treats me like I don’t exist anymore. So he doesn’t even deserve me to still be in love with him. And I’m getting there. I really am. I’m busy with building up my own life again, for example in the beginning I forced myself doing things with my friends and family in order to forget about him. And now, it’s not really forcing it all anymore, doing stuff and enjoying it without constantly overthinking goes from itsself. And I realize, I’m young, I should enjoy and have fun because when I’m older I can’t really do everything you’re ‘allowed’ to do now anymore, people simply don’t expect that from you when you’re a grown up. So I should do it now. And I try to put my problems in perspective, because that helps. And then I come to the conclusion that everything is going to be alright. Theoretically I have a whole life in front of me and I’ll get over this. My mom was married to my dad for 21 years, then he cheated on her and they divorced and even she survived it, taking care of two kids on her own. People underestimate that. I’ve seen her getting back up from the beginning to the end. She had to change her whole life routine, deal with a broken heart and raise two children all at the same time. We had a lot of ups and also a lot of downs, but in the end, she will always be my biggest hero. I think about that a lot lately, if she could get through that, then I sure as hell can get through this. I’m not saying it will be a flawless road to the end of the tunnel, I’m sure there will still be small bumps for me, but as you get to the end, everything gets easier and less bumpy and you won’t think about him every hour anymore, you won’t think about him every day, every week, every year. At least that’s what they tell me and that’s what I’m already experiencing myself. I hope I can let this behind soon because I need it. I need to have my own life and not put someone in the center of it and call that the purpose of my life. I just hope that everyone who’s on the same page as me right now, has the strength to get through it. You probably all will. People are a lot stronger than they think they are sometimes.