Advice needed really quickly please!
I really need some advice right now. One of my best friends is acting really strange lately. She’s grumpy ALL the time and I’m not even overreacting. It happens only seldom that I see her laughing and it gets worse every day. A week ago I also noticed she had scars on her arm. I asked her what about them, she told me she did it when she felt really alone (it was a month ago, I was on a vacation back then and her other friend too) and she was in a fight with her parents and she had a heart ache. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, but instead she wanted to get rid of me talking about the subject because she felt awkward, so we didn’t talk about it since then. I am constantly checking her arms, if she might’ve cut again, but I don’t see anything new. I made her promise not to do it again, but it’s very possible she’ll do it again I think. That’s one problem, the cutting. The other one is, I don’t like to see her so unhappy. I don’t know what it is, because I’ve asked her already SO many times and the only she keeps saying is: "It’s nothing, always the same." I want to do anything to see her smile again because it also hits me. The more I hang out with her now, the more I get down too. Because she acts very closed and rude towards me too. I already asked if the cutting or the being sad all the time has anything to do with me, and I said be honest, but she said it doesn’t have anything to do with me. Now everyone tells me to just leave her alone a bit and that she’ll come around soon. But that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. I think I need to help her. I can’t just leave her in her loneliness and sorrow, I just can’t. Even when she acts really annoying towards me, I can’t. So what should I do, leave her alone a bit and not give it so much attention, or try to talk with her again and be extra sweet? Or anything else? It’d be really nice if I would get some advice from here because it’s really bothering me and I’m stressed out.
Sounds like she’s feeling very depressed. Even though she may try to push you away, she needs you now. The best thing you can do for her is listen and be there; unfortunately, don’t expect a quick fix :(. Do your best not to make her feel ashamed of her feelings (but don’t pressure yourself too much). You could also (gently, tactfully) suggest she talk to a therapist. Hope things get better!
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Do you know her parents? Are they good people? You might want to tell them, or write them a letter. You could also talk to your school counselor or a teacher that you trust because your friend might really need some help. If all this seems extreme, you can always write your friend a letter telling her that you’re really concerned and that you are considering telling someone so she can get help.
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maybe she needs to get out more with you and do fun things.. she needs to get her mind off postive things….. if not with other mutual friends.. just you and her… see a movie , go bowling, do something to keep her mind off tghe negative stuff at home.. if u give up on her she may give up on herslf and she trusts u
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Treat her like a normal person. Be nice, invite her to go out and do things. Tell her you’re there if she wants to talk, but don’t try to force her into talking. Don’t treat her like a baby, she’ll hate that and will distance herself from you. The best thing you can do is just stick around, be her friend, be aware, but don’t always make the topic about what’s wrong.
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Instead, try talking to her about things she *likes*. Try to cheer her up by talking and laughing and going out and doing things with her like a normal person. Eventually, she’ll tell you what’s bothering her on her own terms. Then, you can suggest she try to get some help- maybe a counselor can talk to her. But don’t try to force this on her, or she’ll distance herself from you. Good luck.
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It’s good that you’re watching her feelings, sure, but stop asking about them. She’s established she doesn’t want to talk about it. And don’t make this about you. When you ask if she’s cutting in part because of you, that’s not constructive, and will make her want to push you away even more. Instead, be part of the solution. Bring some good to her life, so she has relief from her problems.
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http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca Explains the mindset of depression really well, there’s another entry on her blog about it too. I’d give your friend the link and tell her you understand, and love her, and that you’re there if she wants to talk or hang out or whatever. Give her space to feel what she’s feeling and trust that she’ll come out of it. And it’s a good idea to plan fun stuff too.
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thank you all for your advice! It’s helping a lot 🙂
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As someone who has been in your friend’s shoes before, I think it’s a very good idea to talk to someone about it – a teacher at school, her parents, your parents, someone. since she’s gotten to the place where she’s hurting herself by cutting, she’s probably feeling pretty bad if she’s looking to that to bring her comfort. ignoring it would likely make me feel more alone, but I wouldnt respond to direct questions, either. what would touch me is if someone said (or wrote in a letter), “Kirstin, I really care about you. I want you to know that you can call me if you need me, whatever it is, even if you just ask me to talk to you about something to distract you for a bit. Or you need some company because you’re feeling lonely. Or if you want to tell me what is going on. But you can also call or talk to a few people who might be able to help you. Here are some good people you can call.” and then give a crisis line, a school counselor, etc. your cool aunt (who said it was ok first). people like that. just say you want her to have people she can talk to if she ever needs it. that would have helped me a lot, especially if I did call and they did understand and help.
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Wow, I hope you solved this concern before now, but I really wish I had returned to your diary in time to offer current ‘advice’ (if you want to call it that). It is soooooooooooo useful to such people that you remain very clearly available (and plenty “proactive” in that regard)… allowing them to outwardly express ANYTHING and everything they need to vent.
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It indeed has helped her, I did a lot of what you said, and now she is back to old again. We do a lot of fun stuff and we talk when she feels bad.
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