Remember Me/ Roommate 3
I just watched Remember Me with Robert Pattinson, and I’ve got to tell you it is an amazing movie. Great script, decent acting. The ending, though I already knew how it ended, devestated me! It was perfectly done. Robert just captivated me. I kept thinking of Edward Cullen at first, wondering when that annoying Bella Swan was gonna appear, but he was able to transform a bit. Oh, and the beginning was absolutely gut wrenching too. Lord, this movie pulls you in and makes you weep. I’m telling you…
So, I’ve moved into apartment number 3, with roommate #3 lol. Not off to a good start, to be honest! Firstly, she insists on us living at her place, versus mine. Most of me thinks its because her boyfriend now lives next door, but whatever. It’s more expensive, but not nearly as well taken care of as my old place. I had a backyard, she has a balcony. Whatever. There’s a leak in my room, and the pipes are leaking in the downstairs bathroom. There’s no real storage space to speak of. This place is a wreck. I hate it here lol
So, I’m contemplating what I’m suppose to do at this point. It almost feels like a sign that every time I go to sign a lease and stuff, the manager isn’t there. Then I see this ad for a guy who does headshots in kc (where im from, fyi) And im like "What am I doing?" I began thinking that to myself tonight, wondering what the hell im doing. I wanted to give myself another year, hoping I’d get cast in something, feeling like I wont. I feel like I’ve hit a stalemate again or something.
But then going back to KC feels a little like running to the safe shelter that’s not challenging, and I wont exactly grow in. Here I’m challenged, and I’m not living up to my potential yet, but I do feel a little stifled. And it doesn’t help that my mind is so easily changed; I change what I like on a daily basis. It’s quite ridiculous, really, but I can’t help who I am.
I do know acting is what I love to do (as well as writing; I stil love it, though I do a lot less of it) I can get that pretty much anywhere. I dont know what I should do at this point. I picture myself moving back to kc and going to Park, and all of that, and I wonder if I can see myself there and happy. It doesn’t exactly come to mind, so therefore, I’m left feeling like I made the right decision, and my gut seems to agree with me.
I’m talking myself in circles, sure 🙂
Plus, I have other things to contend with. Like my biological father. His damn brother gets on facebook with the ‘sole purpose’ of finding me. Okay, whatever. Their timing makes me suspicious; I dont trust them. He keeps telling me to contact my father over and over, and im like ‘He’s the dad. He’s the adult. He’s the one that broke this in the first place!’ and he’s always saying ‘why does he have to do it?" So, I re illiterate the above fore mentioned statement, because apparently, that isn’t plain enough english for him. And he gets mad when I catch him in what is seemingly a lie or contradicition; he even left an ass holey voicemail about we can talk about what i *think* talking is and what he *knows* talking is. I didn’t call him back. But, in reverse, Bert, my grandma on that side, I called her the next day and left her a voicemail. She never called back. Whatever. I’m fine without them. I always have been.
That had me thinking though, honestly and seriously, if I wanted my dad back into my life. I tried to picture the future, trying to think of him, giving him the benefit of the doubt instead of dwelling on the past, and I just couldn’t see it. And the past still will haunt you. You cannot EVER let it go completely; it’s cemented, and he cant un do that. I cant picture him doing anything to make it better, either. So at this point, I’m thinking of writing them off again, and for good. Because I dont need an uncle who’s going to try and bully me, a grandma who’s childish, and a sister who’s a spoiled projecting conniving bitch. No thanks.
And I’m not going to rush to the deathbed of Ned, my ‘fathers’ dad, because apparently, he’s been having lots of heartattacks. I dont know the man. All I know is he gave me the SAME gift for every occassion, a cheap makeup kit, when I didn’t even wear makeup. It was NOT personal. It was completely thoughtless and mechanical. The memory of him I have is my trying to pet his dumb little dog, and it squeeling, then biting me, then running off to hide behing the couch, and Ned yeling at ME for it and my father not doing a damn thing about it. I hated him then, and I still dont care for him now. If he dies, he dies. It makes no difference to me. I haven’t seen the man in ten years. And he sure hasn’t cared to call me.
does that make me heartless? Perhaps, but I’m not going to be someone I’m not.
Guys are as confusing as ever, or perhaps women are just made that way where we want there to be mind games and intrigue, and we honestly put them there for ourselves, even though sub conciously we know better. I feel like a fool in this department, but hey, I’m learning.
It doesn’t help that I change my mind so often about things. Even the smallest things. It makes me worry I’ll never fall in love, never have a long relationship. I get bored very easily. I get turned off fairly easily. I’m working on these traits, so hopefully that leaves room.
Moving in still not complete. Cassy didn’t have her stuff moved out so it was a CHAOTIC mess here last night. I was able to move a lot of stuff around, so right now it’s not so bad. I still have a car chalk full. My stepdad and grandpa came to help. I kept trying to get my grandpa to slow down; he was panting at one point and I physically, but gently, moved him to the couch. He even cut himself; it was ridiculous how upset I was. Brett even came to fulfill his promise to help me move. I was touched by that. He’s a great friend. Too bad he could never be more. 🙁 Stupid girls always win it seems like… Martha’s boyfriend didn’t help a smidge. I dont care for him; but I dont think I’ll have to see him much, thank god.
Gwyn came over so we could rehearse our scene a bit. we go on tuesday. This marks my last scene. We’re doing Proof. I did Proof with Matt on my first scene, him playing Hal and I playing Catherine. Now I’m playing her sister, Claire. It’s a fun scene, there’s a lot we can do with it. I’m finally working with a girl, so that’s interesting. I’d rather be working on Fool For Love with my second scene partner, Ryan. ;P My third scene went mediocre; I thought Ron and I would do amazing. But I still feel uncomfortable with older men, and we just didn’t put the effort like we should have. He is giving more effort to Amber, and that’s pissing me off. Where the hell was that with me? He insisted on being my partner, what gives? (No, I’m not a lousy scene partner. Matt said I was fine, and Ryan said I was amazing.)
Short novel finished. 🙂