And it all rests on me..

For some reason, my mother believes I need to be her rock, her nurse, her maid, her best friend yet not, her everything and sometimes I just cannot be that… She’s had some major run ins with health lately. A lung cancer scare, though she could have it. She’s got a large calcified thing in her lung, and several small ones that aren’t. They need to still watch the small ones. Last weekend, she spent the entire weekend in the hospital. First, they thought dehydration. Then, it was mixed with extreme anemia (brought on my her hemoragging) Then, they find a colon infection.. And some kind of extreme flu… And apparently yesterday, my stepdad was about to pass out like my mom did, so they figure he has it too.

    Even when they’re ‘well’ my parents expect me to run the house. And I did that whole last weekend. (got a taste of true motherhood, having to get up with Elizabeth in the middle of the night) But my mom always wants to talk to me about personal things, some of which I shouldn’t know really.. my stepdad never talks to her, and she’s lonely. She’s not in love and she’s miserable. He treats her well, thats what keeps him around. She always says she doesnt ask much of me, but she does. I’ve always been treated like an adult (except when I wanted to go out; then it was like I was 13) I’ve been talked to like an adult, and have always been referred to as an old soul. But sometimes, the responsibility is stifling.

   So last time I wrote, I was living in an uncomfortable and not stable living situationw with roommate number 3. Let me tell you, not a week after I had moved in, Martha was essentially kicking me out. She said I wasn’t financially stable, and she didnt want to get involved in that. WTF? I had just had my family come down to move me, moved out of a great place, all to live with you and now you want to live with your boyfriend??? I was pissed. Essentially, it only came to one choice; move back to KC.
 
     But, of course, my family couldn’t afford another move, so I had to leave my couch there. She claimed she was going to pay me for it, but deferred on it many times. She had her eye on that couch, salivating over it really, since August of last year. She was playing the game the best she could to get it for free. She starts hassling me not a week after I’d left about helping her pay utilities. I was broke by this point; I had gotten into a car accident (this motion sent me to the only choice being moving to KC for the summer at least) and I had to pay for a lawyer and everything. (I didnt have car insurance) I told her to help me sell that couch (after all, she’s the reason it didnt get sold to Kelli from work; oh yeah, because of her, I could never go back to work at Family Life just because things got so bad/awkward with my former co worker) So now, she has the couch, free of charge, simply because I couldn’t afford to come back for it.

    So, at 23, I’m back to living in my parents basement. Yeah, I feel like an epic fail. However, being back in Kansas City, I’ve gotten to watch my niece grow; she’s getting so big, so fast. I’m forging a great bond with her that’ll last, and I’ve got to see her crawl, say some of her first words, eat more than just a bottle. I’ve got to be there for these critical things (unlike my pathetic, selfish, narcissitic brother who continues to not really give a damn..)

   So, I’ve decided to look at things on the bright side. Since being back, I’ve kept up losing weight, so I can go after my movie/television actress dreams, wash my face daily, taken real interest in my appearance and mental well being. I have money to spend on nicer clothes, healthier foods, and just treated myself to a new phone. I had the old one for almost 4 years! I missed my family immeasurably; and I’m making better friends here. It’s home. Though I do plan on pursuing my dream, and if it happens will keep me from my family a good deal of time, I know right now is critical moments. And I’m going to stop making excuses. I’ve written out the steps I need to accomplish to get there. Not a life plan, persay. The only ‘plan’ I have written out is how to change my bad habits, and take pride and love of myself, which is the founding steps for anything in life.

    I’ve been ignoring my uncle, but ironically, have been talking to my father. He has wanted to see me all summer, but I’ve negated. I’m so confused about what I want. And I want closure, if nothing else. The other day he asks me to bring my sister, since he likes her and knows it will make me more comfortable. Of course she said she’d come with me. Still, doesn’t make me any less uneasy. I talked to him on the phone one night for hours, but mostly he talked. I didnt care about most of it, and it was just rambling. He goes into too much detail of his sex life. His other daughter, well, she just gets grossed out and oddly enough I just laugh. The old drunk is gonna talk; might as well let him. I will see him eventually. When, I dont know. He, as well as my uncle, is hinting at reconciling me with brittany. But I dont like her, never will, and see no need for a relationship with her. I have a real sister. And I’ve never considered Brittany as one. I’m sure she feels the same. I’d be surprised if she didnt

    As far as guys go, Chris is still… well Chris. Will never leave my side, nor cease to be interested in me… He did set me up on a date with his roommate, which was VERY out of character.. His friend was nice, but not my type. Chris ended up meeting us for bowling, and we acted much the couple. I realized this fairly quickly, and tried not to. Then thought maybe I had, after all these years, finally developed some feelings for Chris. (to which, I’m STILL not sure of) Then there’s Josh; obsessed to the max. Total redneck. Tells me how he’ll rock my world and has extra muscles in his tongue. Yeah, he’s a weirdo to the umpth degree. He tells me how beautiful I am, and how wonderful and I’m too good to be true. It feeds my ego, and I’m still insecure enough to keep him around to feed my ego. MESSED UP, I know, but I’m only human 🙂