Snowy Thoughts

I just know that I am not feeling right.  I have a lot of wonderful things and people in my life…good opportunities and a chance to keep working towards a better, healthier life.  But I am so sad, and feel so lost and question everything that I’m doing whether it be good or bad.  What am I doing?  Should I be with him?  He’s not good for me…but I gave him my heart and I took his and I don’t want to break it.  I can’t break another heart.  Only my own.  And I love him.  I’m so mixed up.  I want to quit drinking but I want to drink it all away.

I know that I’m a better person than I was years ago.  But I still do not like what I did back then and I haven’t forgiven myself.  I lost an amazing man.  He so badly deserved to be free of me.  So I should be thankful that as much as all of that hurt and still kills me….he is in a better place finally with an amazing life.

I knew I’d be struggling for awhile.  I am questioning why I chose the path I did once again…but it was because I thought it was the right one.  Up until I try to quit drinking I like the path…it’s just hard to be w/ a heavy drinker and try to improve myself.

I need to find my happy.

I need to keep going to the gym and eating healthy, because it makes me happy and feel powerful.

I need to keep writing.  It feels like I forgot how some days.

I need to protect my heart and contain my peace.  I need to keep the negative vibes away from me.  I need to speak up when he’s rude to me.  And if he can’t grow with me…I have to go.