Scared

I never want to make myself hurt the way I have been doing for the last many years.  Tell me why, why the hell would this side of me come out so strongly when I’m finally in a loving, wonderful realtionship?  I cannot go on living this way, and I refuse to.  My world might soon be coming to an end either way…depending on the way things curve.  I hope I can make it through this one more terrible tradgedy and never, EVER EVER make the same mistakes again.  Alcohol is a poison to me.  I don’t believe in god, but I do believe that some form of the devil comes out of me when I drink.  I do things I know better from doing when I’m sober.  If I don’t quit living this way, I don’t deserve a good life.  If I can change…then I have a chance in hell.

And Happy Birthday Daddy…wish you were still with me….wish you didn’t have to look down on the mess that is your daughter.  Please believe in me.  Always love me.  Help guide me…straighter…