Pathetic Mess

I keep repeating the same patterns that drive me straight into a deep depression and misery that I well deserve.  I fuck up…I keep on fucking up.  I keep telling myself I have control of everything…until I wake up the next morning having no clue what happened the night before, who’s house I’m at, where my car is at, and barely have a feeling of who I am.  Panic.  Absolute panic that I, once again, brought upon myself.  I am not this person that alcohol makes me…it makes me a terrible lying whore…the last thing I ever wanted to be or thought I would become.  It’s disgusting, its sickening, it needs to end before I kill myself or someone else for that matter.  I am a danger right now…having no control over myself means I am making dangerous decisions that could be affecting others besides just myself.  This is going to change.

I am going to change.  I kept thinking I was getting closer to change, getting better.  But when I start thinking that way, another part of me lets me let go of the concern I had before and says "Eh, how bad can this be…"….well the answer over and over and over again…is BAD!  BAD BAD BAD. 

I will not dig my own grave.  I am grabbing the shovel and slowly putting the dirt back in….