On the verge of recovery…not a melt down?

What the hell.  What the god damn hell.  I am so unsure of myself right now as I guess I have been most of my damn life if I’m honest.  Maybe most of us are.  I was doing great and almost…almost made it to 2 weeks sober.  I was feeling so proud of myself, albeit frustrated with a lot of things around me in my environment and with boredom and feeling left out of things…BUT I was feeling PROUD and that isn’t something that comes my way often.

I’ve been proud of myself for losing weight and eating my healthy keto diet for over a year now.  (drinking ruins it for me sometimes but consistency has helped me stay pretty steady).

I’ve been proud of myself for running and accomplishing my first 2 5k’s last year.

I’ve been proud of myself for getting up early and getting to the gym before work (it’s slipping again lately but I damn well better get my ass up tomorrow morning after a sober night!!!)

I was proud…up until like 2 weeks ago when I decided I would drink on a Sunday.  That turned into black out, fall down, shit faced and depressed on Monday morning me.  And what so easily happens is I get so mad at myself, so ashamed…that the only thing I want to do is drink it all away.

My boyfriend got me some pot to try to help me not drink.  Well I wish he wouldn’t have because now I’m back to doing both together and it makes me black out blinko in no time.

I’m so sick of myself but I have to stay positive.  I didn’t drink a ton last night but I know what it started doing to me and it makes me make bad fucking decisions.  I want to be in control.  Not the alcohol.

I want RECOVER……DON’T I?  Do I?  I’m so lost.  But if I think that living this way for the rest of my life is going to be all fun and games that’s a crock of you know what.  I don’t want to be depressed anymore.  No more than normal at least.  I can handle normal depression.  I can handle anxiety.  But when it comes from poor decisions and regrets it really fucking kills me and makes my head crazy.

I want better.  So badly.  I want to do better.

Strength…I need to find my strength again.

Right now.

No melting down.  Recover.