My Man

How do I explain our relationship anymore?  We are struggling everyday to stay together…due to my loser status in life and his obsession with hunting and fishing.  When we first met, all we did was party together (I’ve learned this was most likely due to me, not him) and it seemed to me like I could deal with him being a "redneck" as he calls himself as long as we had fun together still.  Well, soon into the relationship, I realized it was going to be a challenge.  He also very much realized that…and it scared him.  He kept telling me…this is who I am, this is what I do…I don’t think you can handle it!  But I said I could…and I wanted to.  I didn’t want to sacfrice this beautiful, sweet man just because he has hobbies I don’t share. 

Our first 2 years we had a lot of fun times together.  Friends were around a lot and we did party a lot, but we also did things like going hiking, boating, bowling, grilling out…..

With time, things change…as always.  But especially when someone cheats.  I had no intention of what I did when he was gone on another weeklong fishing trip…but it happened.  And I lied about it all to him so he wouldn’t leave me.  Lost a friendship over it, and have never forgaven myself for how poorly I handled the situation.  If I would have just told him the truth, that it was a mistake and some part of my mind knew what I was doing, he would have left me.  And that, truely is what we both deserved.  But by lying, by pointing blame at the other guy (who I still blame but not as fully as I pushed it)….he stuck around with me.  But he had changed.  He is now an angry, jeaolous, bitter, resentful man…he trusts no one.  Especially not me.   

I ruined a life that we could have enjoyed together.  But it’s also made me realize a lot about myself.  Maybe this was the chance I missed to duck out of a doomed relationship, but it sure didn’t feel like that then.  Maybe I am not ready to be in such a serious relationship, since I’m constantly interested in other men….and have made more mistakes since the first one.  I do not pity myself for it, I hate myself for it.  My man deserves a woman who would never look at another man, because that is the kind of man he is.  But it’s hard for me…to have a boyfriend who will not ever go out with me (yes to the stupid bars), so I look single and hang around guys who want me to be single….It’s hard not to enjoy the attention.

Attention.  Whore.

I still feel like my babe needs to be freed from me.  I’m holding him back from his happiness, and I have been ever since I let someone else come to bed with me.  How will I ever give this up, for him….yes, a little is for me, but a lot is for him….Cuz I know, I’ll never find another one like him…