If I was Honest.

It’s heavy on my mind today how sad it is that we have to hide ourselves so much from the world if we want to be seen as having it together and being happy.  I am happy on many days.   And many days I give myself props for feeling like I “have my shit together”.  But there are so many days and sometimes weeks and months that go by that I am just barely holding on.  So many of us feel this way I know.  What makes me sad is that we have to go to work and live our lives hiding behind the happy mask that we feel required to show to the world.  It FEELS required.

Is it required?

I am struggling a lot at work right now to stay focused and trying to be a great employee.  My job is not that challenging, it just requires a lot of follow up calls that I really despise making, for one thing.  It requires a positive attitude and attention to detail.  I’m faking it til I make it most days.  But then, if I’m honest…there are a lot of days that I do feel happy and together.  Those are the days that I haven’t drank for awhile, that I have the house cleaned, dinner in the crock pot, positive vibes running through me and just feel GOOD.  It can change in the blink of an eye but sometimes that good feeling lasts awhile.

I guess my thoughts today are about hiding my struggles, staying private and just playing my role instead of trying to explain to my boss that I am hurting…and that it doesn’t mean I don’t care.  It doesn’t mean I’m not trying.  And that I’m sorry for not being better at life right now.