Broken

I want to move on and move past everything bad and negative in my life…but the cycles continue to repeat themselves…

If I lose my bf, I’m going to be losing one of the best men I have ever met or loved.  In saying this, I’m not sure what to think of our relationship right now.  My good god…I think I keep making a mess of it.  If I could just be happy spending time at home with him…if he didn’t annoy me and I didn’t show it…if I never forced him to come to the pathetic BAR with me…we could be happier.  He is a truely good man, and the only negative part of him is…ME.

I still don’t know what to think about or who to talk to about what happened with us last weekend.  We had a very nice day with his mom going to a Wine tasting celebration in the early afternoon.  We walked around, laughing, taking pictures, and left in a good mood wondering what to do with the rest of the day.  We started heading home and I said "Oh yeah, I was going to see if you wanted to go out in town for a little while".  Dispite complaining, we headed back to go to the pubs. 

The first couple hours were fun, but I think we drank too much without realizing and didn’t have enough food in our bellies.  At the 2nd bar…all hell broke loose.  He was talking to some guy he kind of knew and something changed.  The guy started calling me names (I have no idea why still???) and at first Adam defended me…but then he started joining in….calling me a Bar Whore and other nasty things.  I flipped out and told him to leave.  They were humiliating me for no reason at 6pm on a Saturday…

Alcohol is such a poison.  It’s embarassing writing this story because I can see how so many will read it.  It’s all about booze.  We don’t remember much about what happened at home…except that he lost his temper and put about 4 holes in the walls and 4 holes in the doors.  I had bruises on my ass, my arms, and my head hurt.  I knew that at one point, I was on my closet floor, and he was throwing all of my hung up clothes on top of me and screaming at me. We woke up to a disaster everywhere, a shattered mirror and a shattered life… 

I hurt him in the past…4 years ago…and it was all stemming from that.  I ruined the best man I have ever known 4 years ago…and the reason he hasn’t forgiven me…is because he sees me being the same way I was then.  Drunk and careless.  And you know what, he’s right.  Which is why I’m so confused about the pushing and punching of the walls…how can I blame him for what I’ve done to him?  How can I wonder why he doesn’t trust me when I don’t even trust myself?  But the biggest thing…is how can I move past this if I know he holds so much hatred inside for me…the one he continuously says he loves so incredibly much…

I think this whole situation makes me realize just how much I hate myself.  It made him realize how much he has to lose if he acts like that…but god damnet…I’M NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE.  I AM A MESS.  I CAN’T CLEAN IT UP.