What to do…

I am so distraught right now. My head feels like it’s about to explode and I don’t even have a headache. My mind is racing, I feel so hurt, and I have no one. I feel alone, and quite frankly I am. I’ve become someone I don’t like. I’ve become like a zombie just going through life as if all is well. Well it’s NOT. I’m tired of being hurt by someone who can utter the words “I love you” and not know one SHIT about what that means. All I get is complaints and criticism, and anymore all I am is a live in piece of ass. I don’t matter, I’m not worth respect….according to some people. I know better than to think I’m not worth better or that I don’t matter. I just can’t believe my life is the way it is. So after 3 years I feel I have wasted my time, and I have lost the respect of my so called loving man, and I did nothing to deserve it. I’ve been lied to, on a regular basis. I see things, I ignore them, but when it gets to me and I confront him, he lies or turns it around on me, and makes ME out to be the guilty one. Nothing I do is good enough, the love is barely there, I pretty much have to beg for attention and/or affection, and that’s not how this relationship should be. I’m so damn sick of this relationship being threatened cause he feels he’s alone in taking care of the house, while he blows money on weed (yep his ass smokes that too, i just never tell anyone) and sex bullshit (for me, but it’s for HIS pleasure). I can’t help my job situation, but its still my fault somehow that we never have money. He can spend all day talking to his female friends (tho he swears he’s hiding shit) but can barely say boo to me anymore. SO much has changed, and my heart keeps breaking.

We hang together, but aren’t really spending time together. It’s just not the same. I’ve tried talking to him, but we end up arguing and having things thrown in my face, as if all this is MY fault. If I say, “you’ve stopped talking to me as much, but you talk to all your friends and stay glued to your phone all day” I get hit with “well you do it too?” Ok first of all, does two wrongs make a right, but more importantly, it’s because I got tired of being ignored that led me to just pick up my phone and play too. Yet, if his son asks to spend time with him, he goes, leaves me alone, and spends 2-3 hours or more, and then when he gets back, all I get is a sleepy, yet horny man. Oh yeah, I’m expected to be ready for sex all the time. I could say no, but he’ll keep pushing himself into my back and moaning enough to where I comply just to shut his ass up. Or he’ll sit there and masturbate in the bed next to me. It’s not right, but at least then I can get sleep. However, it’s NEVER enough. I keep seeing porn on his phone (not that i get to see it, I just always happen to notice it when his phone is in his hand and open), tho he swears he doesn’t watch it. He swears that it’s just for sex ideas. I’ve even caught him at least 3 times, watching it on his phone in the bathroom. He never hears me knock, and i have to pee so i go in and he immediately hides his phone. NOW, I noticed the other day that he’s been watching porn on my computer. He didn’t know I knew this, and today deleted the “evidence”. So I couldn’t tell if he was on there today. However, I found a way to check the activity and guess what, he’s watched it today. Not only that, he’s been watching it months  BEFORE I got the virus protection on my computer (I just added it Sunday). So yeah, fuck up my computer so you can get off watching people fuck. You can say you’re a visual person, and that’s what gets you off, but lying to me and trying to hide it?? TOTAL disrespect, and what’s sad is i have NO WHERE TO GO so I can cry. I can’t afford to live alone, unless it’s in a hotel. I’m trying to finish school, but i’m not even sure it’s worth it anymore. Maybe I’ll finish this semester and drop out, and wait until I can get away from here, to concentrate on finishing my degree. I can’t have time to myself to do the homework, he either wants to talk, or fuck. He bugged the shit out of me to get into school to try to get a degree to get a better job, and then wont’ let me study.

I asked him once, how do we keep from falling through the cracks, and he said “I don’t know” I said can we spend more time together, he said “well we don’t always have time cause of work schedules, or i need to sleep, or i gotta take someone somewhere, or you have school” oh but you can find time to fuck, and play on your phone, and flip channels. He’s made some effort, but very little. He says what he does for me doesn’t seem to be enough for me. The texting I do get is mostly about sex, the majority is about sex. Then there is asking for money, or starting an argument about why he doesn’t feel I love him because I don’t try hard enough to find a better job, or be able to help with bills. ITS SO FRUSTRATING. I can’t do this anymore, and if I have to go to a hotel until I can find a job to afford living alone, I guess I’m stuck. I put myself in this position, with good intentions, I’ll get myself out. God has to help me tho, I can’t do this alone! There is no way I will marry into this painful situation.