What an exciting life I lead

not really, but the thought is nice. My life is kind of boring, like I wanna do so much more than go to work and come home. I wanna go places, see things, finally live and love life. Maybe one day I’ll get there, then maybe my entries will have life again. I am trying hard to be strong but it’s not always easy. 

I am mentally very tired. I can’t get anyone to see or care why. Not that it’s easy to explain. I think I was happier alone but I put myself in a position to be stuck. I literally have nowhere to go. I still hold hope that life will finally get better. It didn’t use to be so bland and stressful. Between work and my relationship, it’s a wonder I haven’t cracked already. God’s been keeping me no doubt. I just keep praying and talking with Him everyday. 

I’m very happy to be alive. I’m grateful I’ve made it 39 years on this earth. I can see why some people kill themselves, tho I also feel it’s a bit of a selfish move. I personally have no issues so bad I feel death is the only way out, tho I have felt like I just wanna not exist. I question why I’m here, but don’t actually wanna die. I just want my life back on track. I want to be totally happy and content with life. I pray my relationship grows more in the next few months. I want more than where it is right now. I get verbal promises that it’s still moving forward, but I watch actions. This is why I’m always confused. 9 years of back and forth confusion. I question my sanity as to why I stay and why it’s hard to let go. 

I pray to find a good job soon, even while I’m in school. I pray to find a great job once I’m done. Long way to go, but I’m trying to remain positive here. I’m just tired of struggling financially. I’m tired of hating my job. I’m tired of feeling like I do not matter and neither does my opinion.  

I want to be the manager I wish I had. I am so tired of people who like the money and title, but can’t do the job. Most I’ve seen are lazy and two faced. They throw their own employees under the bus to save face. They point fingers instead of taking responsibility. They condescend and come off as overbearing. I’m sick of it. You don’t have to be an asshole to be a manager. I’ve had mangers that did the job and still gave a shit about the employee. I’m still friends with mine from food lion. One of the best I’ve had. She’s cheering me on to get my degree which is sweet  

I pray that at the end of this school time, when I get my degree, I have even more skills to be the manager I wish I had now. All the ones at my store are the most pathetic bunch I have ever seen.