Well if you read my last entry…

You know I had plans to meet with these apt people and see if they could do something for me.  Well after about 20 mins, they can’t. I make $200 less than the income requirements. I knew this, but felt it was worth a try. I wanted to see if they could work something out, but unfortunately no. So my next move is to find another job paying more, because I am NOT staying here. One of my friends asked me if I was going to move back home (Indy) if I didn’t find a place. NO! For one, I cannot deal with any more “starting over” situations. I move to Indy, it takes me months to find a job, while my money is dwindling, and my credit gets fucked. Same with here, and when I came back it was even harder to find work, money was depleted, went several months without decent work, and when I did find work it wasn’t much. And second, as much as I love my mom and my sister, I really cannot subject myself to living with them again. Not even because of the condition of the house, but because my mom does not respect my privacy or need for quiet time, she talks about me behind my back, she won’t do anything to help my sisters mental condition, so I had to deal with that too, plus them fighting and my sisters constant mood changes.

I couldn’t do anything without feeling like I was on display, and I had to deal with that, while dealing with the breakup, the first time. I can’t do it again, at least not now. I know it seems better than living with asshole, but it’s really not. It’s a different situation, but the level of stress is still the same. I MAY be able to get my old job back, but honestly I really like it here in NC, even tho job situation sucks. I guess if they are back to working IN the facility in Indy, I could try getting the job first then moving, that way I can get into my own apt faster. Another thought I had was trying to get that same job, but in a city 3+ hours from where I am now. I just don’t wanna go back to them cold ass northern winters, but we’ll see. I don’t know what I am gonna do yet, but leaving is still on the table. I am, at least, gonna get off the lease, so I can leave legally. I dunno, we’ll see.

And as much as I really like Anthony, I really can’t use him as a reason to stay. Not if we’re not in a relationship, it’s just a maybe. I can’t bank my life’s plans on a maybe. I really do hope something happens between us, because honestly he’s given me a lot of what I’ve been needing, without even knowing it. That’s why I got so attached to him, but if nothing is ever gonna happen, I can’t put my life on hold like that. It sucks, but it is what it is. I will have to try to talk to him at least, to see if anything is even really there ( and if he’s actually free lol), before I’d even consider staying just for him. That would be stupid on my part to stay on a hope, I’m over hoping. I need real life, not fantasy. I haven’t really seen him much this week, not since that last time I talked about him. I still smile when I think about that. I may have to make the move first, because I need to know if something could happen or not. I am not going to sit around missing opportunities in my life over a man. Not ever again! No matter how much I like him.