Well here I am again lol

So I got rid of a major source of stress. I believe this source of stress was affecting every other part of my life, because once I was free from this I felt ten times better. Sometimes I hang on to things longer than I should and the longer I am in it, the more unhappy I become. Then it’s harder to be me, and I don’t like not feeling like myself.

What did I do, you ask? I made the decision to once and for all leave Anthony alone. It was hard to do, not cause it wasn’t the right thing, but because I do not like hurting people. I don’t like hurting their feelings. Anthony is a good person, has treated me well for the most part, and has shown me more respect than any man I have dated ever has. I broke up with him somewhere in August or around the time I found out I was pregnant. I had decided to give this one more try, because a couple days after I broke up with him it hit me hard and I guess I wasn’t ready. I felt I needed to tell him exactly why, since he never asked, and what I wanted more of. He agreed to try. However, as expected nothing much changed. What hurt the most, was the fact that he had already decided to assume the worst and didn’t let himself get excited when I told him I was pregnant (for the second time). So instead of trying to hope with me and prepare with me, he was holding on to the fact that it could end and then when it did it wouldn’t hurt as bad. He’s not good at expressing his emotions, but even when I needed him to, he didn’t try. This meant I had to deal with the pain of losing yet another pregnancy alone. He didn’t ask how i was before, during, or after. If he did, it was to ask what the dr said when i went in for labs. I was very hurt by losing it, but having to deal with it alone hurt more. As he did last time, he brought up the time he lost a child to stillborn. While that is devastating in itself, why would he bring it up again as if that makes me feel better.

I had to go get labs way more than with this on, and at one point had to get a shot to dissolve because it was edging towards ectopic. My mom was here when I had that done, she was more supportive than the damn father of the baby. So from then on my level of happy was going down, and he was starting to increasingly get on my nerves. Did the same thing every day, only cooked for me once, let me cook and put away food and wash dishes. Like just sat on his ass and did nothing much for me. I would get up out my sleep on the weekends to cook him breakfast. When I started pulling away while I was still seeing the dr for labs, I wanted sex less and less. Him calling, texting or just showing up with or without warning (since i had given him his key back) started making me feel stressed every time. I didn’t want him touching me and the thought of it make me feel tense. When he would decide to stay at my house when I had counted on having the day to myself, my whole mood was shot.

Funny thing is, he noticed all of this and said nothing. He’d stop trying to have sex, would only kiss my face and stopped saying he loved me because he noticed my body language and actions as of late. Yet he never asked questions. So as long as I let him come around, he did regardless of if i wanted the company or not. He avoids any form of confrontation. I am like that too, to a certain extent. When I am fed up I talk, but it’s so hard on me stress wise. I think that’s why I was overly stressed and even work was stressing me out more than it usually does. So I decided that this past Sunday was the day to talk. So I asked him to stop by after he got off work so we could talk. He tried getting me to tell him why, but I refused. I wasn’t gonna have time to talk, so I was waiting until we both had free time. After asking him why he puts up with me and why he never asked questions when he saw my actions, I told him that I think we should just be friends and that I need to be alone for a while. It was sad and at some point I did cry, and I believe he did once he left. I told him I wanted my key back and he had to take his things home. 

So in the back of his mind, this relationship was gonna end, so he was prepared so that when it happened it wouldn’t hurt as bad. That hurt my feelings too. He said he didn’t leave as much stuff at my house as he did before just in case. I told him he can’t keep expecting the worse and that being positive was what he needed to do. I think it was cause he had so much unhealed trauma that he found a way to protect himself. He’s a good person but a terrible boyfriend. After almost two years we had not even talked about our future. Last time I asked he had planned he talked about how we were gonna try to start a family. Huh? He’s ok with starting a family, but avoided making this a relationship and every single time I asked he said he didn’t know. That and having my love rejected often, eventually caused me to detach emotionally from him.

Once I made the decision to let him go, I actually started to feel better. I felt so relieved, yet sad. I wish he had been the man I fell in love with, but he’d have to love himself before he could love me. He’d have to let people in, but he just can’t. He’s so hard on himself and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but it was getting to be too much for me. It was like he was draining my energy. I cried for the rest of that first night and part of the second. Then I started realizing that I felt so much happier and that just tells me I made the right decision. I actually feel a lot more peaceful, so I definitely made the right choice. While I don’t have to entertain him anymore, I won’t completely cut him off. It’s only being limited to occasional texts to keep in touch and I’d see him sometimes at work. He works mornings and I work evenings, so i may see him in passing. It will be awkward but it’ll pass. I just had to do what was best for me.

I really do wish this had worked out. He was the first man to ever make me feel so good, but then his efforts slowed to almost a crawl, I had to initiate every talk to which not much every changed, and it just affected my feelings. So I was no longer in love, but I do still love him. It’s just not deep enough for me to want to keep trying. I feel so bad for him, and I really pray he heals. I don’t think he feels he’s worthy of love, so he stops letting himself feel too much so he won’t get hurt. I think that’s so unhealthy. But if he is gonna entertain a woman, he needs to be healed so he doesn’t hurt her or himself.