Unhappy

I thought when moving into my own place, that I would finally have some peace and some happiness in my life. I had every intention of staying single and every intention of finding a work from home job, or something better than that POS job I had. While I wish I had chosen the second job offer from that other place, I did get the work from home job I want. I can’t say I love the company I chose to work for, but I deal with it until something better comes along. I have tried to get back in the company I turned down for the job I have now. I was given the opportunity a few days ago with an invite to do a recorded video interview. I am now hoping to hear back from them soon about a phone interview and hoping I can get back in. The job I have now is about as stressful as the job I left, if not more. It’s collections, which isn’t the issue. It’s the rushed training, the micromanaging version of helping and other reasons why I regret taking this job over the other. I feel like they rushed through training so they could get us on the phones sooner, without real time to get acclimated to the systems and processes we’d be using on each call. I’ve had plenty of times where I ask for help in a chat, only to sit and sit to wait for help. I get that I am not the only one they are helping, but it still doesn’t help the process when trying to be efficient, especially when you’re still fairly new at the job and processes. You do learn more on the job, than you do in training, but at the same time so much was thrown at us so fast and it’s as if we were supposed to already know our jobs once they threw us on the phones. There were so many times during training where I felt this probably wasn’t gonna be for me, but I don’t give up that easy so I gave it a try. There have been so many times where I have this “help” supervisor who will listen to my calls while I am on them (which isn’t the issue because I expect them to listen during or after a call), but in this place they will jump in while you are talking to a customer or trying to find help, tell tell you to do something you are already doing, answer your question with a question, throw a link in there that you’d then have to scroll through to read the process, all while being constantly bombarded with “check back with the customer, avoid long silences” It’s not like I leave them on hold for a looong time, but most times they will tell me to avoid he silence before even trying to answer the question you have. They don’t read the entire question, they just answer parts of it, so you’re still stuck or lost. They’ll go offline or idle at random times, so them I have to look for other options to get help on a call. They also lied about the job, because I had no issues with doing collections itself, I’ve done it before. It’s just they told us in the interview that it was just that, yet during training they tell us they’ve added several customer service duties to that task to. All in an attempt to avoid transfers, which is also counted in our metrics.

I’ve never had a job use transfers as a metric before, but a lot of times a  transfer is unavoidable. At most, they are calling about a system I don’t have access to, or it’s taking so long to get help with a problem, that I’ll get them to customer care just so I’m not holding them up. To avoid silences they want us to hold conversations, which isn’t the problem, but I have learned that in customer service you can’t get a conversation out of  some people and I don’t try to force it. So at times I will try to at least check back to tell them I am still researching, but it sucks when its something as a simple answer needed, and having to check back every 30 seconds to tell a customer that, seems a bit much. It’s been suggested that I try to make conversation to show I care, add sympathy, which I try to do. However, they also suggest basically lying about being able to relate to something a customer may have going on, such as a pet heard in the background or a baby. I refuse to lie to have a conversation. I certainly will NOT lie about having a child, as it’s something I want and it’s a sensitive topic for me and why torture my feelings for the sake of a fake ass convo. Avoiding those silences does NOT help get a good score on your customer service experience if the customer doesn’t feel you helped them. So I can be nice as pie, avoid all the silences possible, and STILL get a bad score. What people want the most, is to be helped and have their issue resolved, not to hold convo. If the opportunity is there I take it, but I can’t be fake with it. People can tell anyway. There are just so many reasons I don’t like this job, so I’m sticking with it until I find a new one. This particular one is highly stressful.

As for the single side of things, I wish I was. I mean I am, in general, because I am not married. However, this person I allowed in my life is not adding to my happiness. In fact, they are slowly becoming another form of stress. He’s a great guy, in general, but clearly not ready for a mature relationship or with a woman more mature than he is. This is why I was leery of letting someone that much younger than me, in my life. He has not treated me bad or has been any form of abusive towards me. He’s not bad like my ex and in a sense a step up from what I had. Now given that I understand the type of person he is, and being patience with him is a must, I still think that after some time something would have to give. He used to give me everything I needed without ever knowing he was doing it, without being asked. I don’t mean material things, I mean things like real effort, quality time, intimacy that wasn’t always sexual, real affection. Because of how he made me feel and the more I got to know and understand him, the more I liked and wanted him. I wanted him and all he had to offer, I wanted to have kids with him one day. He seemed to want the same. Now I know he suffers from depression and anxiety at times (which he takes meds for and has weekly therapy to help), so that’s why I have been patient and understanding with him. This is why I was taking things slow with him, and giving him time to get use to being with me, cause I did truly want to see where this would go. I know nothing is guaranteed, but I was still hoping that with things things would improve. For a while there, they did. Then as time went on, I start to see everything he was giving, slowly fade. It’s gone from daily GM texts to occasional. From checking on me throughout the day, to doing it sometimes. To coming over to spend time with me, to just hanging.

The affection has gone down, sex and intimacy has gone down, the compliments and efforts have slowed down. It’s starting to feel like interest is being lost, and I know I can overthink, but for the way things are going it seems his mind is occupied with other things now. He doesn’t even pay attention to me. He comes over, lets me cook breakfast for him, will stop by on his lunch breaks sometimes, but that’s it. No more does he really stop to spend time with me like he used to. Although last time was due to me asking for it. I don’t as much anymore because I am not gonna keep being the one to ask for it. He seems content with just hanging out. The sex is almost non-existent and affection is sporadic. NOW, this is not to say I don’t make efforts on my own. I do, but anymore they don’t seem to be noticed, although I do get the occasional “I appreciate you” from him. It used to be he’d notice my moods and ask what was on my mind, anymore I don’t get that. Now when he comes over, he waits for me to cook breakfast, he’ll turn on tv and watch youtube or read anime on his phone or watch tiktok, not really paying much attention to me. So he can’t tell that I am sad or anything. He used to pick up on that, even when I wasn’t aware he was paying attention. He seems content with that time for breakfast or lunch, but doesn’t really occur to him to want to spend time and do things WITH me. While I had the 3 weeks of where my shift matched his, give or take a half hour, not once did he come see me before he headed home. And yes I could have asked him to come see me, and maybe I should have, but at the same time it seems that is the pattern. I say I wanna spend more time with him, and he’ll oblige but it always falls back to hoping he’ll stop by and he doesn’t. He doesn’t check up on me much anymore, and he doesn’t even say when he’s off work so I may or may not hear from him for the rest of the day. So then my mood and my day or shot. And yes I do text him good morning, I do check on him, I do do the things I’d get from him. However, when it seems it’s all one sided, I stop. Now I honestly don’t think he’s aware of the changes. I don’t think his actions are intentional as in to hurt me, but still it feels as lonely as it did when I was with my ex, minus the mental abuse my ex gave.

Now going so long with feeling lonely has started affecting my feelings I’ve had for him. And I have to say, that I have mentioned to him on more than one occasion that I love him, but he has yet to say it to me. While I was trying to give him time to get there, I still feel some kind of way knowing I don’t hear it. so because of that, I don’t say it often. Although he’s noted it shows in my actions. He can somehow detach emotionally and it makes me feel uneasy that someone can do that. I don’t get how, but it is easy for some folks I guess. He’ll make statements like “if I didn’t have my kid, I’d probably pack up and leave cause he’s my anchor” not once considering how that might make me feel. It makes me feel that given the opportunity, he’d leave everything behind to get away. It doesn’t make me feel included, so that’s been affecting my mood too. We have had talks about where this is going what this is, and every time I get the feeling he still does not feel the same way about me, the way I do about him. He’ll tell me I am important to him, I make him feel happy, comforted, safe, relaxed, yet he won’t give me anymore than some time so he can say he saw me. So I can be his source of peace, his soundboard, but I don’t and won’t get the same. So when I have work stress or any other stress, I am back to feeling like I have to be my own peace or my own soundboard and it sucks. I don’t get the same that I give and it sucks, and it kinda hurts. It’s triggering but I tried to not let my past affect my present. I wasn’t going to make him pay for the shit my ex did. The last time I asked him about us, he was using the excuse of “I have things from my past I haven’t healed from” ooook then why date? I guess he was really just looking for something casual, but I don’t want casual. I want the real thing. I want to have a baby, with someone who wants one with me, but who also LOVES me. So I don’t even have the desire to have a child with him anymore. I don’t want to have a child with someone who doesn’t love me and I don’t want a child with someone that doesn’t even wanna claim me as his girl, yet will hang with me, kiss and hug as if. No I do NOT want a friends with benefits situation. We have been hanging out and all that for 10 months now, how much more patience am I supposed to have before things get better?

So now I will have to be the one to initiate the conversation, once again, and it kills me. I hate the idea of him going away, but even this morning the feeling is the opposite of what it once was. Him being here made me want to cry, and when he left for work this morning, I broke down and cried. I just feel so unhappy, so now I have this stress and work stress and NO ONE to talk to or be my soundboard. I had to come here just to get it out. I think once this lease is up, I’m gonna consider moving somewhere else. I can’t stand being in a place where I don’t know anyone or have friends. I’m bored, but I would have been fine if I had just stayed single and kept this man as a work friend and that’s it. It’s my fault for hoping for more, when I knew better. I was giving things time to blossom. They did and it was great, but then it just slowly started dying down. It makes me feel so sad, and even more so that he doesn’t even notice. Either he doesn’t notice, or he is pretending so he doesn’t have to talk about it. As it is, he tries to avoid the convo about us when I bring it up. I don’t hate him, and I don’t think he’s a bad guy. He’s just not meant for me. I get that he has mental things he’s had to deal with, and we relate on a lot of it, but he and I are a lot different. I think I could stay friends with him, even after this but we can’t continue with the ways things are. He has clothes here, tho he doesn’t spend the night that often, he has a key, and even has soap in my shower. However, at some point I may ask for my key back, or  maybe let him keep it since he is my emergency contact, but the rest of that has to go. I don’t want anymore hugs, kisses, sex or anything. I just wanna be left alone so I can heal from this, and that hurts because of how much I cared for him, and because I loved him. Story of my life, I can love, but they won’t love me back.