Trying hard not to give up

Between home and work, I feel like I’m going crazy. I want a good paying, full time job. I want to come home and not wonder what mood that man is gonna be in. I wanna feel happy, loved, and appreciated. I wanna feel like i can express my feelings and someone actually understand what I’m trying to say and at least make an effort to change or do better. I’m willing to do better too, but when I feel  less than, I feel less motivated to care enough to try. I work my ass off, and have nothing to show for it. When money is low, the things I have done or try to do, don’t matter, cause at this point time money is the reason for the stress. Nothing I do matters, but when things are good, on comes the love, and support. Why can’t I get that support all the time? I try to give support, it’s shunned, because someone wants to have a pity party. I never once make someone feel that what they do isn’t enough, when I KNOW they are trying. I still deal with past hurts from things said about my efforts to find work or bring in money. It still hurts to know that at one time (and i hope not even today, but who knows) I was accused of not loving them because I just didn’t try hard enough.

It hurts to think about all the times they harped and harassed me about trying everything under the sun to find a job. Finding a job is stressful enough, being broke is stressful enough, being told your efforts just aren’t enough….hurts. I can’t find a good job, God only knows why that is. I’ve tried temp agencies, I’ve tried indeed (and for the record I’ve NEVER found a job on indeed. Just a bunch of NOPE) and linkedin and even zip recruiter. I have no idea what to do next. I’ve put in apps directly in the store, or the website, and yet I still see NOTHING from my results, not even a damn interview.

I may try the temp agencies again, I dunno. Funny things is, my bf’s son seems to be able to get one through them. Maybe cause we look for diff things, I dunno, but still why is everyone else finding work instead of me. I tried fixing my resume, guess it’s not good enough. I have a friend that’s working on mine, and i’m waiting on her to send them to me. I don’t know what else to do, but I really don’t think i can stay at my job much longer. The last few days have been so stressful and depressing, I ended up breaking down in tears at work. Some people thought I was sick, cause my eyes were red. I wish I were then, instead of crying. Tho, if i was THAT sick, I wouldn’t be at work anyway. I don’t know why people think red eyes means sick, I’ve never been sick enough to have red eyes.

Now I do hope that once I’m done getting this associates degree that i find better job(s) than whatever I have now, or in the future, before I get it. I’m not doing this so I can waste my time at a job I hate, especially grocery retail. They don’t care how they treat their employees, but we’re supposed to take the bullshit with a smile. I have to really work on not complaining at work. I trust no one there, and I feel management lies, and sneaks around tried to build negative things behind your back. Nothing good gets rewarded, but if you do or say something bad, they are all over that. I get the whole concept, it’s not professional to complain at work, but it’s hard sometimes not to react. Something I have to work on, I don’t wanna be that person. I just can’t stay where I am much longer, it’s killing my spirit. I know that money will make a lot of things better in my life, and I won’t get that being here. I just wish things at home were at least better more often, even when lack of sufficient money is the reason for the mood. I just wanna feel appreciated. Everyday isn’t like this, but it still gets to me and affects my mood, I need a mental break.