#TOTW30 Saving me…

I saw this earlier today, and I don’t really do many TOTW entries, but decided on this one.
It said something like “tell me about a time you had to save yourself”

I feel that I find myself trying to do that everyday. My current relationship….sometimes I have a lot of doubt and wonder if I need to save myself once again.

Yeah, once again. I wrote about this, as it happened, years ago on the Old OD board. I don’t know if any of you remember me, or any of my stories, but this is one I never forget. For a while it bothered me, sometimes bringing me to tears, but as of now I am fine. I just can’t ever forget the feelings from this particular event in my life.

This is in regards to my ex, who I’ll call R. I met him when I worked at a grocery store, and as much as he tried, I never gave him the time of day. Then one day I just stopped seeing him, then I got another job, and didn’t see him at all. Then I kinda missed his persistence. Anyway, fast forward, I happened to run into him at Walmart, and we exchanged numbers, and talked. Started off a relationship, shortly after. I was stupid, and very naive when it came to him. He was taking care of his ex, who lived at his place, and kept saying he was getting her to her own place soon. It bothered me after a while, and I broke it off. Somehow later, he wormed his way back into my life, and this is where my problem lies. The situation with his ex was still the same, and I kept getting put on the back burner. Somehow I feel in love with him, and believed he really did love me, and believed what he told me. He even one day (over the phone, while he was in houston) asked me to marry him. My dumb ass said yes, tho I NEVER got a ring. There was a time when I had gotten pg, but that was lost about as soon as i found out. Looking back now, I’m grateful to not have that tie to him. It sucked at the time, to lose it tho. I did want it. I haven’t been pg since, and I don’t think I want to be ever. That bug doesn’t stick around as much, as it did 10 years ago. So he had wanted to move to Houston, and he was supposedly moving his ex there, and i was gonna come down later, to live with him, when my lease was up. Well come time for me to fly, and he was trying to get me to stay where I was living a little longer.

My stubborn ass went anyway, and again more stupid things happened from that decision. When I got there, his ex was staying in the home I helped him get with the bonus money he got from a truck in MY name. So I got a hotel for the night, then he made me, literally made me stay in a homeless shelter. He left me there, so his ex wouldn’t get mad about me being there. It hurt me so bad, and i cried. He had the nerve to tell me that crying made me look weak. The next day, he came and got me and I stayed with his ex SIL, and eventually moved into an extended stay hotel. I found a job sometime later, and and apt. I couldn’t move into the apt until it was ready. They were brand new, and the hurricane pushed things back. I stayed in the hotel that whole time, by myself, while he drove his ex to Illinios, and months passed, with promises to come back for me. Eventually I was able to move into my apt, by myself. I had what was in my suitcase. So more months passed, I find myself going to work, caring for myself, crying my eyes out, going into debt (not paying cc payments so i could keep a roof, food, and my cell on), all because I was stupid and believed he loved me and cared for me.

The time for me saving myself, came not too long after. It got to where i heard less and less from him, and he’d tell me it was cause he felt bad that he wasn’t back yet. He’d promise, then break the promise. It killed me every time. What got me to save myself, was the last promise made, and broken. I had already spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone (Well my manager invited me to her home for those days), and if I had to spend new years eve alone, I was done. My heart couldn’t take anymore hurt. I was extremely stupid when it came to him, but when it comes to having enough, it’s ENOUGH! So I started the process of moving back to my home, where my family lived. I bought a plane ticket, i shipped my things back home, I packed up my suitcases. When time came to go, I left. I put in my 3 week notice, got on that plane (after that notice was up lol) and went back home. I realize I missed, or ignored ALL the red flags, but I was blinded by love. It took bringing in new years day alone (completely alone, as i didn’t have any invites anywhere, and I’m in a city where i know NO one. I had family in Dallas, but no numbers). I seriously cried my eyes out New Year’s Day 2009. So I finally woke up, and saved myself from further heartache. Even after all that, my ex thought I’d take him back. NOPE. I cut him off completely, turning his cell phone off, once it didn’t cost me extra money. I haven’t looked back since. I’ll never forget how it made me feel. That shelter moment, broke my heart. He was too old for me anyway, 3 years older than my mom, (never told her that), but he had lied to me about his age, and he didn’t look or act it.

So yeah, I’m hoping to not have a repeat (not that all the details are anywhere near similar to this story) with this relationship. Sometimes I feel the need to save myself again, but I have to pray. I don’t exactly have as easy of a way out, as I did in this story. There is a lot of good, but there is also a lot of bad. What I want, is to be happy, loved, and appreciated. I want at least an attempt at unconditional love. I give it, unconditionally, I just don’t always get it. I’m just tired of giving so much of myself, and getting nothing back.

#totw30