This hurts so damn bad

I can’t take anymore hurt, its just too much. I’m gonna try to be out of here by next week. I should get the rest of my school refund soon, I’ll use that and just stay in a hotel until I can leave this state, or get a job that pays enough for me to get my own apt. It’s so unbelievable how hurt I feel, I feel worse now, than I did with my ex, and he hurt me pretty bad too. I don’t deserve to feel like this. I’ve never been a bad person, or a bad girlfriend, so why do I keep getting shitted on? I’m so tired of trying to hold it together. He stopped loving me a long time ago, I was just too blind and stupid to see it. Perhaps he never loved me at all, just loved what I could do for him. The only time he’s nice to me is when he wants sex. Why is that? Why can’t I get that kind of care and affection any other time. He expects so much from me, and yet it’s never enough. To think of all the things I gave up to be here with him, makes me sick, when I see how things are now. We just had another argument, this time a full fledged one. I could take the arguments if he wasn’t so damn mean. This is why it’s hard to talk to him period, he’s focused on one thing, and likes to blame his life issues on me. I get a text today that tells me how much money he thinks rent will be with fees and all from moving to a two bedroom (and living month to month in a one bedroom until later this month) and is shitty. I knew when he sent me that text, how the day was gonna go. Then he tells me there is no way he can pay that full amount himself, and how he already owes his parents $300 from last month. I also get a text saying we need to talk and discuss a game plan today about how to fix this situation and our relationship. WTH? So yet again, threatening the relationship. We argued over the money situation, and how he’s doing all he can, and working his ass off, and it’s never enough.

I never told him it wasn’t enough, that’s his own thoughts. He says every month HE is the one trying to figure out a game plan for money, and how I don’t come up with ideas on what to do. I said well I guess I can quit school and work two jobs. You know he suggested that? He said that, or go to school part time and work full time. Even if I find a full time job, or manage to get a second pt job, he’s still gonna find a reason to complain. It’s not my fault he sucks with money, not my fault his son moved back home and now we have to move to a two bedroom, not my fault his credit is shitty, or that he has to ask his parents for help every month. He told me that he feels hes alone, and that this relationship takes two people and I don’t seem to be coming up with ideas. I don’t know what he wants me to do, but i can’t take this anymore. I got tired of talking and just walked out of the room. He shows no concern for my feelings and that hurts. Why is he doing this to me? I’ve been nothing but good to him, I don’t lie to him, I don’t cheat on him, and I never put him down or make him feel like he’s not doing enough. It’s not my fault he feels that way about his life. He still watches porn, but only on his phone now. I saw it the other day. I don’t believe for a second that he watches to get ideas to spice up our sex life. Last convo he had, after I asked him how we can fix our relationship and talked about what I wanted from him, he asked how we could fix our broken sex life. Really? THAT is your main concern? It’s broken because our relationship is broken and i don’t feel loved, appreciated, or sexy enough to even wanna try anymore. He equates love with sex and money, and we are on two totally different pages with that.

I’m gonna get off of here. I’m just so depressed, but for real I am making plans to get the hell out of here ASAP!!