Stress is everywhere

So while I moved away from one stressful situation, I seemed to have picked up on another. I’ve mentioned before that sometimes mom and sis can work a nerve. I have also mentioned that I have not lived at home in about 8 years. There’s good reason for that, and I’m reminded everyday why I was better off living on my own. I wish I had just stayed in NC, or had another choice anyway. For one, I have no real time to myself. During the day I may get some, but at any given moment my sis will pop out of her room and want to discuss the details of whatever movie she’s watching on Youtube whether I care or not. If I act like it’s boring me, she’ll get her overly sensitive feelings hurt. I don’t mean to sound mean, but a lot of times i really don’t care. She can talk a lot, and it’s usually when I am watching something that she wants to hold my attention. My mom, as much as I love her, can work a nerve. I will always come to visit, but I couldn’t spend the rest of my life living here with her, (and my sis). Everything I do is on display. If I cry, they wanna know why. If I seem sad, they wanna know why. Here’s the thing, I’ve never been one to share all of my hurt with mom, and it was all on display when I moved back. I was in pain ya know. I am glad they care, but at the same time they try to do too much and sometimes that makes me feel worse. I’ve always been a private person, yet my mom acts surprised that I don’t share every single detail of my life. Mainly because she comments or wants to ask a million nosy ass questions. Since moving here, I’ve gone to bed at an earlier time than I had in NC. Mainly cause it’s my only time where I get absolute time to myself, but also cause I start to get sleepy around this time. This was the time I had to myself to cry when I needed to. So sometimes while I am sleepy, I can’t fall right asleep. They think I am sleep, but most times I am having trouble actually falling asleep. I can still hear them talking, and sometimes it’s about me. They comment on how early I go to bed, or why I don’t talk to them about everything I am feeling. I never have, why would i change now. I never want them to worry, so that’s another reason I keep some things from them. When I go to bed, she always comments “oh wow, you go to bed early. She laughs and then goes “what are you getting old” laughs again. I don’t find it funny, but I just smile and take my ass to bed, and roll my eyes. She does this often though, as if it’s some big surprise that I go to bed around 10 pm. She has to comment every single time, and make fun of that fact. Then, if I get up early, “oh you’re up…you usually don’t get up til such and such time” and again comments. It’s annoying because it seems anything I do, they have to comment or act surprised as if I’m strange to them. If I sigh, “oooh what’s wrong” If I suddenly turn my head or look for something “oh everything ok” it’s so constant that I it becomes annoying. Like every little move I make is on display. I don’t like this attention, I never did. Mom doesn’t care, because since they are family I should be ok with that. I’m not, but then saying so they’d get an attitude, so I usually just keep my thoughts to myself. 

What I’ve noticed is sometimes they’ll talk more hushed when I am out of the room, especially my sister. My sister has some sort of anxiety disorder and also likes to use that to be manipulative. If my sis doesn’t want me to hear something, she’ll talk softer and lean over to mom when they think I am out of earshot. I know my sister has some form of depression, but again she uses that as an excuse. She’ll try to say she doesn’t feel loved, if you don’t do everything she wants you to do. She likes to hog my mom, as if she’s only HER mother. So she’d be ok with mom spending all day in her room watching her play Sims or watch Youtube movies, but not watching more than one movie with me. She can say and/or do things that are rude to me, but if I reply in annoyance my mom steps in and wants to defend her saying “she’s got anxiety, you gotta be careful how you talk to her” So because she’s overly sensitive, I’m not supposed to get mad or upset, and keep my words “civil” Who the hell wants to live like that? My mom has always been one to want to keep the peace, so she’ll let a lot slide in order to avoid stress. She stresses out like it’s a huge deal if her kids have fights. We’re not fucking kids, we’re adults. 

So the rest of this entry is gone…like I had a whole entry typed. When I went to save it, I was somehow logged out. So the only part that saved was everything written above. I was writing my thoughts out, and I’m too stressed and tired to try to retype any of that. I’m about lose my mind here, and as soon as I can I am going BACK to NC. I am going to live by my damn self if I have to, I’m not in a good mood, and everyone and everything is pissing me the fuck off, including this damn page. I am glad the whole thing wasn’t gone, but seriously I would have lost it, if it was. I’m not happy here, and I will go wherever I can find happy again. I’m SO tired of being stressed.