Sometimes…

I feel conflicted or just weird. Like I know this relationship is over. I very rarely even have sex, I have no desire to. At least not with him. I feel like I’m supposed to care about that or the fact that we are near the end of “us” yet I’m not. It feels weird not to care, yet I’m still on guard on how he’ll act towards me. Maybe that’s what I care about, how he’ll act, because it can be stressful. It can be mentally and emotionally draining dealing with him. I know he’s bothered by the fact that I seem to repel his touch or don’t respond to his attempts to have sex like I used to. I’m getting used to it but I still hate how things are.

All I ever think about now is the fact that this is over, how much time was wasted, how many fights we had. I think about how I get nothing from him, no love, no hugs, no I love yous. I miss all of those things but I don’t want them from here. The only attention I get is sexual. I’m worth more than that. If he decides to get it somewhere else I can’t stop him and I won’t try. I just don’t wanna see it or evidence  of it. He’s made sure I don’t see his phone much since I asked about a female friend who was flirting. He’s not even trying to fix us and it’s sad.  I don’t want him to anyway. I just notice that now he’s been a lot nicer to me, laughing, joking and all that. I like that side but it doesn’t affect me anymore. Like I appreciate the moments that aren’t stressful but I can’t bounce back anymore. The past still hurts like hell. He’s gotten over it, but I haven’t.

I still have the texts of past pain. One day I’ll delete them, but it’s a reminder of the things he can do to hurt me. Then he’ll be totally normal after as if I’m not still hurting. I don’t dare talk about my hurt since the incidents are in the past. I have not healed that’s why it still hurts. The fact that I can fall for someone else or even develop a crush on them just tells me I’m over him. Like if I was still in love it’s him the actions of the other man, Anthony, would not have affected me as much. If I was getting what I needed at home, we would have thrived.

I’m just waiting for my freedom. My chance to exit this household forever and move on and heal. I hate living in constant fear of being hurt by him, even if he’s been nicer lately. I’m still scared of getting texts from him. That’s his go to for hurtful and stressful arguments. So when I get a free day to do so, we will have to talk. I have to ask him to listen and be cordial because I can’t talk to him if he’s gonna be an asshole. I don’t wanna feel stressed or cry anymore. I just wish I didn’t still have to live with him. Soon as I can I’m leaving. I’m seriously considering a hotel until I can afford an apartment with their income requirements. Anyway I’m gonna head on off to work. Talk to you later.