So….yeah

I am having quite a hard time dealing with this. This hurts. I had good reason to leave. I had good reason to complain, and I had legit reasons to feel hurt. So why does it hurt so bad. I have dealt with heartache before, but this is just terrible. I miss him terribly, but I don’t miss the crap he put me through and lies. I don’t think he knows what he wants, but he’s too prideful and stubborn to admit when he’s wrong. So he’s kept in touch with me, trip wise so I am grateful to know so far he’s doing ok. I do want him to make it back home safely. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do, but whatever. I guess it’ll pass eventually. I know most times I’m full of shit when I say I’m not gonna do something, cause sometimes I end up doing it. So I caved and called him this morning (after having a bit of a cry lol), and yes I know that wasn’t the best idea, but we had a nice chat for about an hour (off and on due to phone issues). I will admit it was nice to hear his voice, but saddening at the same time. Last he texted me, he had crossed the SC state line. I’m so torn up about this, and I’m confused. I know it’s cause it JUST happened, and I haven’t gotten used to the idea of it being “over” or whatever. He left without me, I remember how sad I was when he first moved to NC and left me in Indy. This is worse. So now I’m questioning myself, “did I do the right thing”, or “how do I get through this”, “what do I do now”. I mean he gave me plenty of reasons to leave, and I was super unhappy.  He didn’t appreciate who I was or what I did. Now that I’ve had to spend time away from him, and while I enjoy getting sleep without being pressured into sex, I am not used to sleeping alone. I hate it. I will get through this, but I don’t know how right now.  I don’t feel strong enough just yet. I wish we could have talked, I wish he would have tried to get me to stay, I wish we could have worked this out, if I’m gonna be honest. But as of right now, it doesn’t quite feel over. We’re still saying “I love you” at the end of convos. I just need to get past this, but its been sooo hard, I have been crying damn near everyday since I got here.

What sucks about living with mom and sis, is they don’t understand my need for privacy and to be left alone when I am this depressed. Mom means well, but I wish she’d understand when I just need to cry alone. I don’t like crying in front of people, and I had no choice since I rarely had time to myself.  What I was not looking forward to is living in a house where no one cares about having a clean home. My mom collects junk and swears she’s gonna use it for something, and she’ll buy stuff on a whim that ends up not being used. It bugs the shit out of me. I think both my sis and mom are depressed. So what I’ve been doing since I got here, was clean up for them. It’s a LOT, and I am throwing away shit I know is junk while she’s at work. I don’t throw away what I feel would be important, especially papers. So once I get things done, I can focus on the rooms and bathrooms too. They need work bad. My sis has walking issues, so I can understand, although when she didn’t, she was still lazy. She spends a lot of her time playing sims games. My mom works all the time, so she’s tired a lot, but even so she doesn’t put much effort into keeping the house a bit neater. I’m not trying to be a snob by any means, but I just never liked clutter. I kept my house spotless, but overtime things changed for mom and sis, so in a way I can understand. I’m glad to be near my family as i KNOW they love me. They are happy I am here. If mom had it her way, all of her kids would live with her lol. She’s a loving mom, can work a nerve lol, but I love her for what she does and who she is. I wish I could do so much more for her, and if I ever get a chance I’m gonna do something big for her and sis. Maybe while I am here, I can help them get therapy for my sis, both physical and mental. She has such an issue walking, that she has to use a walker to avoid falling while walking. I think she had some kind of stroke or something, but I believe with therapy she can walk on her own again. It went from a limp, to barely being able to walk without the risk of falling. It’s really sad to see.

We all plan to move back to NC, not the city I moved from, but some places she’s looked into. I still want my own place, and while she thinks its a good idea for me to stay here while I work and then we all save to move back, I really need to live in my own place. I just need that alone time I crave so much. I can get an apt and still save. I won’t be spending as much money living alone, as I was living with S. I hate it here, so I don’t plan to stay in Indy. I want mom and sis out of here too. It’s not the best city for being the capital. I want my mom to be happy, and |I pray God lets it happen before while she’s still on this earth. Whether I live near her or in another state or city, I will always make time to come see my mom. I just wasn’t able to financially cause I couldn’t find decent work when I lived in Wilmington. I don’t understand why, but hopefully once I get my degree, things will start looking up for me. I think they would enjoy NC, and especially at winter time. The Indy winters are evil lol, and lasts for months. There are things I want us to do while I’m here, things i missed just out of nostalgia lol. But I do not see myself living in Indy for the rest of my life.

So as for the work front, I have an interview Wednesday with my old job. I think I will get it, but I want to be past the interview. They are so annoying lol. I got my confirmation text from the lady that did my phone interview about my face to face one, and I said yep I will be there at 1. I can’t wait to get it over with as i hate interviews. I always feel so nervous lol. So with this job, I can make a lot of money. I probably won’t get more than $13 an hour, but that is quite a jump from what I made at that POS job. I can afford my own place with that, and I have no plans to have a lot of BS, since I plan on moving back eventually. I do NOT wanna stay here, and I wish I had another option other than moving here. If I’m gonna be honest lol, i hate Indy. So I’ll be able to save up quite a bit of money living alone. So yeah…give me a few months and I will have my own. I’ll work on that while I am getting myself ready to start my fall semester. It’ll be easier without S being all in my face and on my nerves this time lol, but still…..I miss that man. UGH, I will be glad when I can smile again.