So yeah..

I can’t do the heartache. I will have to go if I’m to retain any of my sanity. Upon further investigation I’ve found out my computer has been used for porn since May. I bought this computer in April I think. I got a virus protection just this past Sunday. So maybe his usage is probably why my comp is slow sometimes. Also I’ve noticed he’s done a search for a particular female porn actor. I guess he really likes watching her as he masturbates. It hurts me to my core and I can’t keep ignoring it to try to keep the peace. It hurts like a mofo. It hurts to know he’d lie, and that he’s lied all this time and has zero respect for me. I have never done anything to him that would warrant this. I’m willing to bet he’s on my computer now watching that shit. He’ll be “careful” to delete the history, but I already know how to check it. I’ll probably get accused of snooping, but had I not seen it on my computer in the search, I’d have no idea.

This is my computer and I have every right to see how it’s used. And to use it without virus protection is just low anyway. IF it were to crash, I’d be the one to buy a new one. I am tired of giving. I’m tired of hurting. I don’t want to have this talk but it kills me to hold this hurt in. I’m just not ready for the mental abuse that comes with it. He is nice and sweet when he’s in a good mood, and more so when he’s horny which is 95% of the time. However the communication is not the same. When I try to talk I get blame thrown back at me. I think I’m gonna just do a extended stay hotel. I’ll just have to adjust my funds to make sure I can pay. At least until I find a job. I wonder if he’d even be willing to even try to keep me.

Doesn’t matter, I don’t wanna stay here anymore. I’m a good woman to him, and to feel like this constantly is breaking my spirit. I at least wanna smile.