So here I am, lol

I have been slacking big time, from reading and commenting to writing. It’s been hard finding time for me lately, but I try. When I get the chance I take it. I just finished homework due today. It was so difficult to figure out, thankfully examples helped because the book did not. I missed an assignment and an exam, so that fucked up my score. Thankfully the instructor says he’ll drop one test and one exam grade. That gives me some hope, it just means I have to bust my ass in order to pass. I will write dates down, and print shit off to keep track. It hasn’t been easy with working. I will though, grab a planner to help me stay on track. It’s been rough. Working two jobs is not easy, especially when you add school and homework.

As for my deli job, I can’t say I love it. I can’t say that at all. It’s too much going on, and with a hoovering manager it makes it aggravating, add in lazy two faced coworkers and you got yourself a set day of “fun” lol. I’m just glad I stay busy enough for time to go by fast, because I’m tired of being pressured to do so much stuff in so little time by myself. Now the cashier job I have, I like that one. It’s less stressful, and I actually like working there and I like the people there. There’s one chick I don’t  like, but no on really likes her. The town snitch and wannabe boss. I can’t stand her. I’ve had to get on her about trying to get on me about anything, and the way she talks to people is so rude and disrespectful. I wish management would say something to her. Maybe they don’t because she’s a snitch? Anyway, I can look past her ignorance because I’m not there to make friends, and I like pretty much everyone else there. I’m glad to have both jobs, but once I am past the temp part of this cashier job and get placed permanently, I will see if I can get a full time position, then I can quit the other job. This one is a dollar more per hour, and I’d be making about the same I’m making now working two. Then I can have time to do homework, or nothing at all and still have money lol. Overall, I don’t mind working. I just don’t plan to do two jobs long term. 

At my cashier job there is this guy who works in garden named Anthony, who seems pretty nice, and he’s not too bad looking. I’m not sure of his nationality, but he’s really quite cute lol. What’s funny is, when he first saw me (even tho I had a mask on, and this was a couple months ago I think) he perked right up, smiled and removed his mask so I could see his face as he spoke to me lol. I thought it was funny, but he’s not bad looking and it actually made me smile. He always smiles, sometimes winks lol. I just laugh. Over time he’s found ways to make small talk whenever he passes me. I don’t mind it though because I like the attention, having someone to talk to that’s interested in what I have to say, and I like people that are approachable. Sometimes it seems he’s very very subtly flirting, but then being nice can be misconstrued as flirting for some folks. Either way, I do like the attention. I don’t really do much to encourage anything, but I do look forward to talking to him. Since I’m not officially “free” as of yet, and Lord knows I want to be, I don’t really plan to venture out just yet. Lord knows I’d love to though, I miss dating like you would not believe. I miss the attention, and affection. Maybe that’s why I seem a bit “attached” to the guy showing me attention. He doesn’t do or say anything inappropriate, but I do look forward to talking or even speaking in passing. I can’t say that he actually LIKES me, but he’s fond, that I am sure of. Still, I don’t really want to dig into something I’m not ready for yet. Sucks because I wanna be free so bad. I would not want to jump into something when I am not ready and end up hurting someone. UGH lol, but at least I have some nice eye candy at this job. Doesn’t hurt to look lol. I also don’t wanna read too much into it, no sense in embarrassing myself or getting hopes up unnecessarily lol. At least I have a reason to smile, lol.  Also, I don’t know him THAT well, so I’m always on guard no matter what lol. 

At the deli job, not too many “prospects” but this Asian guy that comes in everyday to make sushi with his assistant, seems to be extra nice lately. Makes it a point to joke with me, even play hits. I like that type of stuff, so I join right in. Makes work fun lol. We’ve had convos here and there, but its nice that someone would take the time to talk to me in a civilized manner and actually be interested in what I have to say. He’s not too bad looking either lol. I’m not sure exactly what his name is, I’ve think I’ve heard my coworkers call him Adam, but I’m not sure. Lol he’s a genuinely nice person, him and his assistance. He’ll talk to everyone in the deli, and he’ll even talk crap with them too. So that’s how he is with everyone, but it just seems that he’s been more talkative with me lately. It’s cool, again I like the attention. I don’t know much about him either, but it’s nice to have someone there that doesn’t get on my damn nerves. Even his assistant is nice, she’s not as talkative as him, but very nice lol. As he was leaving I was joking with him about something, something about not slacking. He just laughed, he asked if I work tomorrow. I told him I work Tuesday (I have ALL of tomorrow off thank GOD lol), so he was like see ya then lol. Haha, it’s just nice to be noticed. I will be glad when I am FREE to do what I please, with WHO I please. I just won’t do anything to lead anyone on when I’m not “free” yet, that wouldn’t be fair. 

As for S (Scott for those who wanna know, or care lol), I am not really vested in this “relationship” anymore. He doesn’t deserve my loyalty, but if I do what he’d do, it would just bring more stress on me. Plus I am not a cheater, that’s HIS saving grace because if I was, I would have stepped out on him a long time ago. Things have been civil lately, but even if he does something nice for me, it doesn’t hold the same meaning as it used to. I have no feelings, I’m just existing in this house until I don’t have to stay here. Every once in a while he’ll feel the need to argue, last argument we had *via text* was over me saying I love you. He told me I didn’t have to say it if it was for HIS benefit. Then he also made it a point to threaten to not have sex with me because he’s slowly shutting down. I’ve already shut down which is why he doesn’t get what he wants from me anymore. I have no desire or motivation. I’d rather use my toy. At least then I’d be satisfied. He used to, but he killed my desire and I have to fantasize or imagine things to get me there. He’s arrogant enough to think it’s him, but I don’t dare bruise his ego. I’d much rather sleep, than have sex. That’s sad right? Anymore when he tries to argue with me, never in person always text, I ignore him. For once he’ll do this while I am at work, or wake me up with a text if he’s at work and I’m home. I can’t deal with him and be at work, so I don’t. I really am not happy. I’m never going to be happy with him. I hate that I came here. I wish I was smart and stayed where I was. I could have had what I wanted, but i was stupid. 

I wish he was the man I THOUGHT he was, but what he presented was false. The real man came out when he “allowed’ me to be his girl. He’s the reason all his relationships fail. We got problems, but I’m tired of trying to fight through them alone. I want to see other people, I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and where. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough, or that I have to walk on eggshells, or that I can’t express my true feelings. I want to be able to talk to someone who doesn’t make me feel like my words don’t matter and my feelings aren’t valid. I don’t like who I have become because of this, and I aim to get back to who I am. I’m not this bitter person who doesn’t trust anyone. I’m not this person who snaps and cries at everything. I’m not an unhappy person in a normal setting, but this relationship has changed me and now I have fears. I have walls, I have reservations. I don’t even know if I can date again, at least not for a while. I would not want to hurt anyone while I figure my life out again. I’m damn near missing the window for having kids, but I hope at least I can find THE ONE for me and we can get married and stay happy with each other. That’s what I wanted, but it’s not what I go. I just want to be happy again. If I can ever get out of this damn house, maybe I can start to heal and get over the hurt, and maybe start dating again. I hope that I can get there soon. I hate the way I am feeling right now. I wanna let my heart fall for whoever it wants to fall for, but use my head this time to make better decisions. 

So anyway, my life isn’t exactly where I want it to be, but my goal is to get as close to that as i can. At least I can say my credit is looking better and better, than God. That’ll help me in the long run when I start to look for my own place. I can’t wait!  I look forward to that day! I’ll be SO happy.