Really contemplating….

Packing up and moving out and not telling him I plan to do so. Honestly he does not deserve such respect and also does not respect me at all. I’ve been sitting here thinking of ways to do this and have been for a while. I am so afraid he’ll start acting like he doesn’t care about me, which hurts like hell, if I say I’m unhappy and wanna go home. How do I deal with his narsaccistic ass attitude if he knew I was leaving? He’s shown me in the past how he’ll treat me if I don’t cater to him, why would I wanna stick around for that? I need to stay long enough to get a ride to the school for a midterm exam. I’d like to leave shortly after. He still wants/expects sex no matter what’s going on with us. He’s so used to getting it, he automatically assumes I want it. I’m never in the mood anymore, I’m completely turned off by him.

I could block him and his son from calling me, or texting, but his parents have my number. I’d hate to block them, I love them and they love me, I just want nothing to do with their son once this is over. It doesn’t feel like home anymore, and it sure as hell doesn’t feel like family. His son barely acts like I’m here, and will ask him for my information with me sitting there. Unless, of course, he wants something. His father volunteered my pee so his son could pass a drug test for a job he got. Didn’t ask me for shit, I’m like wtf? He ended up using someone else’s pee. Smdh!!! Can’t even stop smoking weed long enough for a job! Both of them smoke like they got money for days. Yet you’re mad at me cause you have to ask your parents for money instead of being able to ask me???

I’ve been trying for 3 years to find a job and got no further. They, on the other hand, have had no issues finding work. Decent, good paying, full time work. There is nothing for me here and it just means I’m not supposed to be here and I need to leave. If I choose to just “disappear” I would at least leave a letter for him to find after I’ve left. I’m under so much stress right now I have to fight tears at work or take unscheduled breaks to calm down when anxiety arises. So I dunno, but for now I’m praying as well as planning. I just know I can’t stay here much longer. I’m dealing with hurt with no signs of closure. I don’t wanna lose who I am because of him. I gotta go.

As of right now, i have a decent amount of money In savings, tho I’d like a lil more if I can. I also have a credit card I can use if needed. I just want to be free and happy again. I plan to move back to Indy. If all works out, I Hope to be out by April, when I turn 40.