Nojomo #5 Enjoying…

I am currently enjoying having today off, even tho I have to do some school work. I had an assignment due last night but the blackboard wasn’t working right so I couldn’t do anything. I probably could have done the work anyway, but I was trying to wait to see what the instructor said when I emailed them about this. By the time I saw their reply that it had been fixed, it was this morning. So HOPEFULLY I can still turn it in today. Anyway I’m gonna try to get as caught up as possible with this shit, so I’m not always pressed for time. It’d be so much easier if I lived alone and had my own car, but alas I have to deal with things until my situation changes. I sure hope someone hires me full time somewhere soon, this being broke shit sucks. Add that to the fact that we’ll be moving to a 2 bedroom later this month. I am NOT looking forward to that crap. I have the house to myself right now, since S is at his second job (starting today) and his son is at work. It’s just me and the dog. Me with no money, but at least I don’t have immediate need of anything. I have til this afternoon, at least, until people start coming home.

Things at home, are at least somewhat more peaceful, but I still hold in the back of my mind, my back up plans for in case this doesn’t work out. He’s good at playing nice, but I have many trust issues when it comes to him. So yeah, we’ve talked, now to see if his actions will finally match his words? Is he willing to change? That’s up to him. I’d like for him to, but again that’s up to him and how serious he is about me. I will need to talk to him more on marriage, because if this DOES work out, I don’t want to wait years. I’ve waited long enough, and if we’re waiting for money it’ll never happen. I don’t even know if I still want to. If it’s like this and we’re just bf and gf, then what’s diff if we get married? As it is, we’re already “acting married” and it bothers me a bit but I can’t make things happen either. While I wait, I’m gonna be setting aside just in case money, because I don’t wanna be stuck here If I don’t have to be. He seems to have made some bit of an effort, as I don’t see his porn use on my computer. That is, unless he’s figured out how to delete the search activity. I can still see it, even if he’d erase his porn search. I seriously don’t trust him, he’d lie without a second thought. Why is that? How would he feel if it were me doing these things to him? Selfish people don’t think that way, apparently.

He seems to be trying to be more affectionate, but because of trust issues I don’t let it draw me in too much. I have trust issues as it is, and he just didn’t help the situation. He felt that since I didn’t know about things he’s done, that it was ok for him to be dishonest with me. It’s easier to lie to someone when you think they don’t know certain things about you. Just because I don’t say anything, doesn’t mean I don’t know anything. I pay attention more than he realizes. It’s just talking to him is like waiting for something bad to happen. I can’t deal, so it takes me a while before I can muster up enough courage to even try to talk. I’ll have to write another entry tho, about that talk we had. I just don’t feel like it right now, plus I really need to get started on my school work lol. Oh i will be SO GLAD when this semester is over and I can have a little break lol.

So yeah, work is still bullshit, another entry for that too. I am thankful to have a job, it’s just so depressing there. I hope this week something comes my way. I’m tired of being broke. Not that I can do much without my debit card. I dropped it somewhere, and I have no idea where. I closed the card and ordered a new one. I hope it’s here by Friday. I’ll have to use my credit card I guess, until I get my new debit card in the mail. Anyway I’ll ttyl, have fun today haha.