Nojomo #30 Made it!!

Made it all 30 Nojomo days without missing a day, that’s an accomplishment for me lol. I got up an hour ago, trying to get my mind back into homework. I have to finish my long ass essay. I talked to my teacher on the phone yesterday and she gave me some pointers on how to make sure I get a better grade. Some stuff I didn’t know, some stuff I overlooked, and some things I forgot to do. So ok, I’ll focus on that so I can get a good grade. I’d like an A for once lol. Anyway this is just the first draft anyway, but if I can get this as close to perfect as possible, then great. It’s been stressful trying to read the material and analyze it. NOT EASY AT ALL! Then the very last one we have to write for this class is a timed one….wtf? Apparently it’s required by the school, or the English dept or something, but what the fuck?? Yeah, well I will have to do it in my next English class anyway. Thank GOD it’s just one more and not several lol. BUH! Anyway I’m looking forward to winter break. I need time not devoted to schoolwork deadlines lol. 

So I’m sitting here thinking about all the bullshit at home and thinking, why me? I allowed too much for too long and now everyone is just “comfy” while I’m stressing out and sad all the time. I’m still supposed to smile, act like everything is ok, actually want to have sex with a broken heart, and all that. I don’t understand some people, but whatever. I’m done trying to figure people out. It’s just like at work, I deal with all sorts of bullshit lies, and actions, but there I can’t really do anything. Talking doesn’t help, so I just go there, do what I’m paid to do, and go home. I’m not there to make friends, and I don’t really trust anyone up there, and the amount of people I do like are very small. So yeah, I have no happy place either way. 

I hope sometime soon, to be able to go somewhere. I mean like go somewhere where I can actually have fun. I’d like to, no love to, go visit my friend in Florida. I used to be able to go every year until a few years ago. Now I’m struggle to make enough money to get across the street lol. I’d like to go back and hang with mom too. Even if I end up moving back home, I’d still go visit when I could cause I haven’t seen them since june. Before that, I hadn’t seen them since before I moved here. I haven’t told mom yet about my home situatoin, no need to worry her until I have to. I just need to have enough money to not only buy a one way ticket out of town, but to have money to at least pay my cell bill until I find work. I would like to stay here and finish school here, but I can’t afford to live here. When I filled out my fasfa, I didn’t state I’d need a dorm, so the awarded amount reflects that. I don’t have enough money in my savings to do anything with, so I have to stay here. I’d have to do fasfa for another state and get into a community college there. I guess I could call the school to see how that works. Either way, I have to do what i need to. It’s just hard. Right now things are cool at home, but I’m still not happy. I am still dealing with disrespect of him using my computer for porn use, so that doesn’t help. However, I can’t really get into life here as I used to. Hope is fading. I will sit down sometime, hopefully this week, and write my prayer list for 2019. This year was another bust .

So I’m gonna get off this thing and work on this essay before I have to go to work. It’s due at midnight, so yeah. I work 1-9, so if I don’t finish I’ll have to cram when I get home. I’ll try to finish this morning so I don’t cram. I should have plenty of time, but most times I’m staring at the screen thinking, “how the hell do I start this, and what do I do” lol. So yeah, but yep made it the end of Nojomo. I will still write here, just not daily lol. Sometime soon I’ll write a “dear you” entry….it’s been a while. I feel it’s needed lol.