Nojomo #26 Three Things

Three things you would do if you weren’t afraid of the consequences

1. Tell this man everything I think of him, what I know of him, and why I wanna leave
2. Tell my job where to shove it, because there’s absolutely no way I can continue with bullshit at work, and have bullshit pay
3. Speak my mind as freely as I do here to anyone that crosses me or pisses me off

I’m sure there are many more, but lately these 3 stay on my mind. I am tired of faking happy when he doesn’t care if I am, only pretends to care. Being nice to me, doesn’t erase the hurt. He still acts like I’m here for sex, and is affectionate more during that time than any other. He does try to be more caring, but at the same time I can’t see him the same, so it’s hard to take it for what it’s worth. I’ll always question, and I should not have to have my guard up in this relationship. He’s lucky I stayed this long, I just wish I had thought to save up money when I had more of it, instead of trying to do it now, and having to stay cause I can’t afford to live alone…yet. However, I will still continue to save and have my cushion needed to make myself happy. So you guys may remember how devastated I was when I found out he had been watching an enormous amount of porn, and how I’ve told him how it makes me feel, and how I don’t want it on my computer. I hate that he watches it, and I know he’s addicted, he’s just too proud to admit it. He’s obsessed with sex, and gets made when I say I can’t keep up with him, as if his high sex drive is a prize for me or something. If he cared, I’d be more into sex, but even so I am not horny 24-7 as he is. It’s weird to complain about sex, and when I’m more relaxed I can really get into it, but i can’t just cause the thoughts of the past, and my fears of what he does when I’m not around, and not feeling loved or appreciated. So I had checked periodically since I told I know he still had porn on my computer even tho he apologized and said it was disrespectful to me. I had not seen any in a while, even tho he’d delete it, cause I’d check the activity. Well the other day, something seemed a bit off. Call me crazy, but I can tell when he’s used my computer, based on little things like where the cord is, or if it’s plugged in and I left it unplugged at all that. I keep it under my bed, so when things are moved, I know he’s been on it. I’m then prompted to see what he’s done. Well this guy thought he was cleaver. He started back watching on the 20th and again on the 24th of this month. He deleted the entire history, instead of just what he watched. I noticed a few days before that sites that I frequent (such as this and PB) no longer appeared my history that shows when you bring up the google browser. Then this time everything was gone, even stuff I was doing on my computer. I know I didn’t delete it, why would I? So this told me, yeah he’s been on your computer. SO I did the activity search, and porn search was there. He even clicked on a site ad that popped up. I went back a few days to find he had started on the 20th. I looked further but only saw my personal activity, most of it school stuff. Why does he continue to disrespect me? I didn’t do anything to deserve this, and he can look me dead in my eye and say he loves me, or deny things when I bring them to his attention because he thinks he is hiding stuff from me. My intuition is on fire a lot lately with him, and it’s never steered me wrong. It’s not just all in my head. It’s not just my fears. This dude is up to no good, and it hurts me that he cares so little for me. Talking to him is pointless, so I’m forced to deal with this alone, while i work on a solution to my problem.

So I tried to ask friends on FB about blocking sites (didn’t say what I was trying to block) and got no answers. So I googled (again). This time I found some info that could help about SafeSearch and turned it on just a few minutes before I came here to write. I tested it out to see, and when I go to search the porn site he frequents (it’s usually porn hub, but sometimes it’s others, like red tube or live sex sites) and it says it can’t find it. It’s a shame I have to do this on MY computer, just because he won’t do right by me, but oh well. I know he’ll be mad when he tries to search for it, but I dare him to say anything to me. I’m not supposed to know he’s watched it on my computer again. I wouldn’t disrespect him the way he does me. He’s the definition of a narcissistic asshole and i wish I had seen that before I moved here. SMH, but whatever one way or another, my goal is to be happy again. With or without him. These days I lean towards the latter. I have enough bullshit I deal with at work, to have to come home to this. I have two weeks of vacation coming to me, I may use them and go out of town, but hopefully I can save up enough money to do so soon, cause Lord knows I need to get away….without him.