Nojomo #15 Halfway There

Can’t believe it’s the 15th already. Feels like this month just started. It’s been one hell of a week for me, the most stress I’ve had at one time in my life. So much that I find myself down more often than not. S was trying to be nice last night, because he is seeing how everything is starting to affect me, but I don’t think I can easily just trust that. He’s made it clear how he feels, and if his actions don’t match his words, then I can’t trust that he won’t act an ass again. He apologized last night, tried to comfort me, and all that and it was nice, but at the same time I can’t just shake that I feel like shit because of all the pressure he’s put on me. It made me feel bad about myself, and it was killing my spirit, and even affecting how I act at work. Whether I like it there or not, I shouldn’t be feeling like crabby at work. I do hate it there, so part of my stress IS my job, but it’s not the whole source. I have school, I have homework, I have home care duties, and what not, and then a man who kept putting me down so much I couldn’t think strait. He says, like he’s said before, that I don’t have to worry about us, and he’s sorry for so much pressure. I’ve heard that before, and I am not inclined to believe it. So what I am gonna do, is try to finish school, and save up what money I can, for just in case I leave. I told him the other day that if my financial situation doesn’t change by the end of this year, I’ll go. I’m tired of feeling like a burden, and if moving back to Indy is my best move, than ok. I just can’t afford to live here on my own. I wasn’t kidding when I told him that, I’m beyond tired. I think last night he could sense my mood was way off.

I felt way off, my chest felt heavy, my mind just went blank, and I felt like so low. It was affecting how I breathe, because my anxiety was kicking in. It’s funny because all day yesterday, I felt so much better after telling him my plans for moving if i don’t find a job here. Then out of the blue, later that afternoon, I just started to feel funny. So I’m laying in the bed next to him, and i can’t sit still and my breathing is heavy, and I could feel the pain of my stresses. So that’s when he started talking to me, and making an effort to actually listen and try to comfort. I”m not so ready to trust that it’ll stay like this, so I’ll deal until I can see what I can do for myself. I just opened a savings account and put some of my school money in there, and I”ll add to that account. If I end up leaving, which just may happen, then I”ll have that savings to hold me over and get me out of here until i find my new job. If for some miraculous reason he actually means what he says this time (rolling eyes here) then it’ll be a cushion in case of emergencies. Whenever I get large sums deposited I’ll put more money in, but in the mean time I”ll add a little from each check. From here on out, I’m looking out for me and my feelings and maintain my sanity and what makes ME happy. I really wanna just go, but I need to save up first, so along the way I’ll have to pray.