Nojomo #10 Saturday blues…
I’m feeling down, but lately that’s all I’ve been. I wish I didn’t feel the way I do, but until I can change my situation, I’m stuck. I struggled to finish an essay in time by the due date last night. I would have had it done a day before, but then that argument happened. I still can’t believe he suggested I quit school to work two jobs, or do school part time and work full time (even if that meant two jobs). So at what point do I find time for school? How would I find time to spend with you, though anymore I don’t care to cause I’m tired of asking for quality time? I can’t keep doing life this way. I don’t understand how you can see I am upset, or hear me cry or feel the bed shake when I do, and act like it’s nothing. How can you still feel the need to reach over and touch me, wanting sex from me? He laid in the bed and masturbated, which annoys the shit out of me. Then he got up and took his phone in the bathroom, no doubt to watch porn and masturbate from that. Comes back in, masturbates some more, before reaching over to touch me. I don’t get it. How can someone be so careless and offer nothing. Is that all you can offer me is sex? I can’t get love, support, commitment or something? You mess with my head and my heart and then wonder why I’m not into the sex acts? It’s like I’m supposed to be the fantasy he envisions, instead of the person I’ve always been that attracted him in the first place. I have to be perfect and meet his every need, if not he’s an ass that acts like I’ve done him wrong.
Since he’s clearly unhappy, this tells me he probably creeps. I wouldn’t doubt it, but even if I could prove it, he’d lie. I don’t understand him, or men like him. I know that all men aren’t like him, but why are some men like that? How do you not have any conscience or remorse for the shit you do? Why can you be the way you are, but I have to be the way you want me to be? He told me once to be myself, but myself isn’t good enough for him anymore. I don’t understand how it can be my fault that money issues keep coming up. He thinks I’m not in this relationship with him because I have yet to come up with a game plan to fix the situation. What does he want me to do, pull a job with money out my ass? There is no way I can come up with half of the amount he needs for rent or to pay his money back. I can only do so much. Never the less, it’s never good enough. He acts like I’m saying he isn’t doing enough, he started a second job and says that’s all he can do, but now it’s up to me to find another job to help with bills. I keep asking him, what happens when we get all the money we need, but the love is gone? He can’t give me an answer for that. He gets so stressed about money, especially when a money situation is bigger than his paycheck. I guess before, he didn’t have someone to pin his problems on. I wonder if he’s ever treated any of his ex’s like this? I’m stupid to keep dealing with it, but I’ve had enough and am looking into ways to get the hell away. My feelings are so hurt right now it’s not even funny.
May I ask, what degree are you going to school for and what type of job would you like once you graduate?
@wildrose_2 I’m going for my associates in business administration. I’m not 100% sure of what type of job, but I am looking to get into management at some point, or perhaps corporate level.
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Hey love, we don’t know each other, but I can’t read this and not try to leave a bit of encouragement. I know I don’t know the entire situation, but you deserve better. Its awesome that you are going to school and pursuing a career to better yourself in the long run. Focus on that and if YOU feel like you want a part time job then go for it. But don’t sacrifice your goals and dreams because someone is pressuring you to do so. You got this. And as cliche as it sounds, the saying is true: “Trouble don’t last always.” Keep striving and try your best to find a little bit of joy in each moment. I deal with depression as well, so I know how important it is to find joy in the little things of each day.
@newbeginnings Thank you so much for your kind words. The funny thing about this situation is this guy bugged me about getting into school saying stuff like “you could have had a degree by now” and now that I”m doing it (and i decided to do this for myself, and not just him) he isn’t satisfied cause it’s not bringing in money just yet. So in order to make him happy, I’d have to work two part time jobs and go to school, or quit school and just work my life away for chump change. This whole thing just kills my spirit, and this was not what was presented to me when we got together. It’s a struggle to do the complicated course work and deal with this personal issue, on top of working at a crappy job. It’s not easy, that’s for sure.
@sweet-n-simple I get it. People are fickle. I’m learning that more and more. They say one thing one day and another the next. And that really can kill your spirit if you’re a people pleaser. I definitely am and still learning not to be so. I’d say try as best you can to focus on your course work over the personal issue. It’s not easy and won’t be. But, if I may be so bold, your degree, your potential, and your career will be with you forever where as people may not be. And they’re much more stable than people will be. And just know that you’re worth the struggle and this journey so don’t give up on yourself. I’d like to add you if you don’t mind.
@newbeginnings Thank you. I’ve got to learn to stop being a people pleaser myself. It’s never appreciated anyway. I’m doing my best to stay focused on school work. As it is, I get up early in the morning to get as much done before he comes home from work, because he is indeed a distraction. Not always in a good way either. I am not sure what game plan I am to come up with to bring more money so he’ll be happy, but I have been trying to find better the whole time I’ve lived here. I don’t see how I can do two jobs and go to school, even if I reduce it to part time school. I am still trying to find a full time job, but it’s been a struggle and I am already feeling down about that struggle too. So yeah, I pray things get better soon, but as it’s looking I will have to make plans to be by myself. I will have to do an extended stay hotel, but to be honest I’d rather do that, than continue to subject myself to hurt. We haven’t spoken much since the accident, and the silence kills me. He doesn’t even say bye anymore when he leaves for work, and I did nothing to deserve it.
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