Life is something else

So I am back. I really am lazy when it comes to writing in here. I have no excuse, lol. On my free time I binge movies and show, or sit back and wallow in my pity lol. I have had a lot going on these past couple of months. I’ll start with the good tho. My mom came to visit me mid August during the week of her birthday. She drove down from Indy, 12-13 hr drive lol. It was nice spending time with her. I wish I had been able to save up more money, but we made it work. She had a blast lol. I was sad to see her go, but I am glad she made it back safely. I keep telling her she needs to move down here to NC. I don’t have family or friends here. I both like and hate it. I love being alone, but every once in a while I’d like to have company or go out and do something other than work or buy groceries. Saving money isn’t easy, but I am at least trying to get back to fixing my credit. I was getting better then slipped and now back to playing catch up. Unexpected expenses keep taking what I try to save.

If you read my last entry I had broken up with Anthony and it tore me up inside. I figured it was for the best. We still kept in touch, and even hung out sometimes (bad idea I know lol), but he’s the only person I know here and he’s still my emergency contact. I had a talk with him a few days after explaining more what I was asking and kept asking and why I did what I did. It did help to get that off my chest. I guess it’s a trial run but I am not going full force with anything. I have a lot going on without having to worry about if/when things progress. Too old for that shit. Anyway, in the midst of all this I found out I was pregnant (again) in August. I had this happen last year and lost it. Broke my heart, especially since I had one 16 years prior. I hadn’t gotten pregnant since, so I wondered if I even could again. Well…it turned out I could. He was excited, but chose not to dwell on it (fear of repetition I guess) and I guess I can understand that, but I could have used more of a positive attitude about it from him. I can’t say I wasn’t worried I’d lose that one too, but at the same time I tried my hardest to remain positive. I even went as far as ordering two onesies I saw online that I thought were too cute. However, just like before a week after I got my positive test (and I tested around my period, had no symptoms so I didn’t know I was before hand), I start bleeding. My mind went blank and I cried asking why. I just don’t think it’s fair that this KEEPS happening.

I tried to go to a diff Dr than I went last time, but i had to go to the ones I didn’t like just because they could get me in sooner. Just like before all they did was do bloodwork to check my levels. Although this time they had me talk to some Dr (still don’t know the point) i only mentioned what I was experiencing but I was in no pain. I was told it was looking to be ectopic and I was worried. Then more lab work came, then I get a call saying the Dr wanted to give me stuff to dissolve it because my levels had started to go down and then started back up rising, although the levels were lower than they should have been for how far I was along. I felt like this whole time I had to deal with this on my mind by myself. And it happened the week before my mom came to visit and I hadn’t told her I was pregnant yet. I didn’t want her birthday to be jacked, but life has shitty timing. She doesn’t know about the one last year and I don’t wanna tell her. I can’t watch her be sad, she shed a tear just hearing I’d have to let it go because it was looking to be ectopic. I just wanted at least one child, and so far I keep having it snatched from me and i have no idea why. This office offered no exams or anything other than testing my levels before and after getting the medication. It’s messed with me mentally, even know as i type this it made me tear up just thinking about it. 

I hate this and I have the onesies sitting on the shelf under my work desk. I look at it every time and sigh as run my hand over them. One of them says “proof that God answers prayers” guess having faith in something doesn’t always mean you get to have it. Anyway, I am ok in general. I just have this on my mind, deal with it seemingly alone as no one really ask how i am feeling post loss (other than my mom). I am STILL having to do lab work and quite frankly I am tired of having my blood drawn. I’d mind it, if it was to monitor a pregnancy and not a loss. I hope this one I had to do Thursday is the last one. I’ve already had a period, still spotting from it currently, so it should be at 0 for those HCG levels. My next step is to find a NEW obgyn to use for gyno visits and hopefully a pregnancy PROGRESS one. I will not be going back, for any reason, to the ones I currently visit. I don’t like how they handle things and I really feel brushed off. I don’t like that feeling. I’m also gonna try this fertility place a friend of mine used to have her beautiful baby girl. I haven’t completely given up on having one, but at my age my ability window gets shorter. I know there are plenty of women older than I, who have babies, so I am trying to keep up hope. It’s just hard when I’ve had to endure this painful loss 3 time in my life. I don’t even get to make it to my first U/S appt. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone. 

Then there’s my job. I like what I do, I hate the company. It’s more stressful than it needs be. I know the environment of a call center can be, but the way this company runs things is making me consider looking elsewhere. I am still looking to stay at home and I have seen plenty of leads for other WFH jobs, and a lot of them non phone. This company will tack more and more on you, for the same pay, and add things like “mandatory OT” cause they failed to meet their own goals. This is never with warning, it’s just a sudden thing like “starting next week all are REQUIERED to do 5 hrs of overtime for the next to weeks. If you don’t have a second job, kids, a life, I guess that’s fine. Their reason, “well we aren’t reaching our goals because of high call volume and increased handle times” not our fault considering since they changed the soft phone system we’ve all gotten considerably more language line calls, and then can take anywhere from 10-30 mins per call like that. And they don’t have enough people hired to take calls, they wanna make us do OT. I know a lot of companies do that, or I’ve heard, but I guess I’ve never experienced it. I do still work a second job. I guess at least for me, all next week I go to second job at 6pm and will still have time to get ready and get to work. They never give heads up on anything, they make a decision then go “from here on out it goes this way” like damn still warm us up to it so we know what to expect. I won’t quit without a back up, but this company irks me and a lot of people have left for how they treat folks and for a lot of the reasons I have explained. The pay is good, but it would be nice if they care about their employees too.

And as for Anthony, he’s still got a lot of growing to do. He still likes me and all, but is still clueless as to how a friendship/relationship works. You have to give too, not just take. You have to be there, no just physically but in way of emotional support at least be in the room and participate. I will not be competing for attention with a cell phone. I will not be the only one doing things and making sacrifices for the other. For that, I can be alone. All in all he’s decent, just clueless. So he will be hearing my thoughts really soon because if he can’t be the friend I need, then he can be one I just keep in touch with when I feel like it. I am no longer giving more of myself than I get. I just hate the idea of being 100% alone all the time, tho I hate feelin lonely being with someone when that someone could help with that if they’d actually put in the effort consistently.