I’m still kicking

*this a long entry lol, for those who choose to read this lol*

Hey thanks you guys for the notes. I’m somewhat better today. I had a talk with him about some things, and while it took the stress level down a few notches, I don’t feel I need to stay for too much longer. I have gotten to where I don’t even tell him when I have money. I got my fed back and he never knew. I just got my school refund. I’m still reluctant to even say I have it. I’ll still help where I can, but I won’t give as much money towards the house as I used to. Not when he can still buy weed! Not when everything I do and have done is irrelevant when I’m unable to help with some bills.  Oh and since  I’m not his wife, I’m not obligated to tell him shit. So without him knowing what I have, it’s much easier to save money. Every time I’ve had money  come in, he’s had some large bill he needs help with. Then when the money is gone, he bitches.

I’ll write more about the talk when I’m on my computer. Basically we’re just sitting here waiting. Neither of us knows what the future holds. He doesn’t have an idea of how much longer he can “stay calm” with this financial stress, and has no idea about when we’d get married. Not that I’m waiting on that to happen. I don’t think it will nor do I want that anymore. Not from him anyway. I’ve been sitting here trying to think of how I should handle this situation. I wonder, should I tell him I want to leave as soon as I’m done with this semester, or do I just pack up and fly back home? Do I write or try talking about why I wanna leave? I’d want to be told this, but in this situation I wonder if he’d treat me like I don’t matter cause he’s mad I’m leaving. It shouldn’t matter, but I’m not a heartless person as he seems to be.

No matter how much I’m hurt, he still puts our happiness on the back burner until things get better, as if they will. We don’t go anywhere, do anything, and all he wants is sex. I can do without that and he doesn’t need me for that either. He says we don’t get to do much cause we don’t have the money. There are things couples can do that don’t cost money, or much. Also, spending time together actually engaging with one another is a way to pass time. Like board games, movies, or just watching tv. Affection doesn’t cost money and I’d love a lot more than I get. I try to give it but it’s not like he notices so I gave up. Unless I’m trying to entice him sexually, he won’t notice anyway. Anymore, we will both be in the same room, may talk about work, random stuff, or how the day went, but most ones he’s playing games on his phone or reading the news. I get bored and start playing games on my phone. I’m so bored it’s ridiculous.

When I lived alone I was more content with my bored days than I am now. So why am I with him? Why are we still together? Why do we go through the motions knowing full well we’re not happy? I think he doesn’t actually want me to leave but doesn’t exactly know if he wants me to stay. I sometimes think he senses I may leave just based on comments he says. Thing is, it’s just a matter of time before I do. The thought of actually leaving, breaks my heart. Sometimes I cry because of it, but staying here is depressing. So I have to do what’s right for me. I gave it my all, but I don’t have anything left to give. I’m tapped out. I love him but I don’t love the version of him I’ve gotten over the past two years.

Our love, our relationship should not be solely based on us making it financially. More so, when I’d finally find a job paying well enough to satisfy his financial needs. He claims he doesn’t have money to save up, but I see some of his spending habits. If we both chipped in monthly with what we could afford each month, we could have had emergency money or fun money. I tried to save alone and it was hard. I eventually gave up my savings account. Now I have a new one and I finally got some decent amount in there without having to dip in it as much. He doesn’t know I opened up this account, and he doesn’t need to know. With having my tax, vacation pay, school money, and some paychecks, I’ve been able to throw money both towards my savings and my credit card and still have bill money. A lot of that is because I have stopped telling him when I have large sums of money. I still help if asked, but I’m trying to save up so I’m not broke after bills and helping, and so I can make that move once I have a decent amount to go on.

He doesn’t  deserve what I still do, even under the circumstances, but at times I just need to keep the peace for my own sanity.  If it wasn’t for the fact that I’m just now saving up and still going to school, I could just go  now. However, I do want/need to finish this semester. I don’t wanna drop out. Unfortunately I need him to take me up to the school for an midterm exam next month  but I’m thinking of finishing school from Indy after that and then enrolling at a community college there. I’m gonna be looking into jobs too. Maybe I’ll get lucky and get my old job back at the call center. In the mean time, while I wait for my chance to move, I’ll save up as much as I possibly can while I’m here.

I’ve contemplated using go fund me but I’d feel weird asking strangers for money. Besides, it’s not their fault I made bad choices. Since I have a nice cushion in my checking at the moment, I can throw more money into savings to get me to my goal faster. I need money to get a plane ticket, for any possible shipment of items I can’t fit in a suitcase, paying to check those suitcases, and have some money left to hold me until I get a new job. I have one or to old jobs I’ll look into getting in Indy, but once I’m there I can continue school. A community college there I think is completely online, may try them. Although when it comes to math class, I may still take the physical classes.

My goal is to use summer time to get my drivers license, and do whatever I need to get back on my feet. I may have to stay with mom and sis for a while, but eventually I will get my own place again. At least I’ll be near family and friends who love and appreciate me. If I meet someone new, great, If not….I’m still gonna be happy. It’s been one hell of a ride with this guy, but at least we tried…..I guess. I’m just glad I’m not feeling depressed today.

sorry this is so long, but I guess I had more to say than I thought. When things start to look up, I’ll keep you posted.